Peanut Actually
by notsosolemnly
Summary: Remus finds a peanut, and Sirius wants to do a saucy calendar. WARNING: Contains some saucy language, nudity and peanuts.
1. Chapter 1

PEANUT ACTUALLY

PART 1

It was a lovely Saturday in September and the chaps were doing some very late spring cleaning. James was handling the broom. His broom in fact. He was lying around adding bumper stickers to his Ziggy Stardust, that was his spring cleaning. Or spring arting.

Sirius at least was tossing out old flasks of cough medicine. Tossing them out the window so they shattered on the tower roof beneath. The flasks that were not empty, he emptied into himself.

And Peter was cleaning out his nose.

Remus was the only one doing some actual cleaning, surprise there. But that was perhaps because he had the most crap to clean, what with all his tanks, cabinets, clocks, coffee grinders and lots of other stuff housing something weird. Right now he was wiping the insides of a top hat with a damp cloth.

"I'd clean some, too..," said James. "Except I don't want to take down a cobweb somewhere only for you to go nooo my thingies..."

"Same here," said Sirius. "I'd unscrew that ceiling lamp and tip the custard out, but noo my thingies..."

Remus tipped over the top hat and a kind of lump fell out. He picked it up.

"Oh no!"  
"What?" said Sirius.

"I found a peanut!"  
"Oh no," said James and sat up, undoing his collar buttons. "Seriously Padfoot where did you hide my antihistamine this time?"

"A peanut, so what?" said Sirius.

Remus came over to him. Whatever he was holding in his hands, it did not look like a peanut. It looked more like an unplucked chicken filet than a peanut. And the cough medicine had clearly not lost its effect because the chicken filet appeared to have a weak pulse.

"It's a peanut look!" Remus nevertheless insisted.

"Ok if you say so..," said Sirius and reached for his calendar to see just what moon the phase was in.

"It's a lovely peanut..."

"I think my throat is closing," James wheezed. "My antihistamine, anyone?"

"I hoped I would never have to see another peanut" said Remus.

"Yeah same here..," said Sirius. "That is some peanut. HELLO THERE MR PEANUT!"  
"SSSSSHHHH!" Remus put his hand over the fleshy lump he called a peanut. "It's not an actual peanut!"  
"How did you know that is how I talk to actual peanuts?"

"Two dwarves must have met, and this peanut must have sprung from their union. That is where peanuts come from."

"Now that is just racist, I don't care what moon the phase is in."

"Sorry, of course you wouldn't know what a peanut is."

"Uhm, I know what a peanut is, Moony. You're really not that much smarter than me, you just know more pointless crap about fairies."

"By dwarf I mean dwarf lop. Bluebell is a dwarf lop. He must have met another dwarf lop and had a litter. Sometimes in a litter of newborn dwarf lops there is a peanut. That is just what they are called, when they are born deformed and underdeveloped. Peanuts always die within a week."

"Am I to understand there is not actually a peanut in here?" James asked.

"No it was just a dwarf," Sirius replied. "Easy mistake."

James ripped off the electrode pads from his body and put his clothes back on. Then he wanted to have a look at the peanut as well.

"That is one of the most pitiful things I have ever seen," he said. "I really could go for some chicken right now."

Remus put the peanut on the table by the window. Then he went and got his axe and raised it high.

"You won't suffer any longer, Bluebell Junior," he said.

"Woah woah woah!" said Sirius, rushing to stop him.

"What?"

"Think of the mess I mean we're spring cleaning!"

"Oh right. I better go do it in the bathroom."

"Woah woah woah!" said James, rushing to take the axe while at the same time giving his calendar a quick peek. "What are you doing?"

"I'm putting it out of its misery."

"A bit harsh! You don't know it's miserable!"  
"Prongs that thing isn't going to make it," said Sirius. "It's deformed, in lots of pain and it's going to die anyway, might as well not let in die in lots of agony. There is no cure, I'm guessing."

"There is always a cure."

"There is not always a cure."

"Yes there is you just have to find it."

"A week is very little time to do that. You're prolonging Bluebell Junior's suffering now return the axe so Moo can kill it!"  
"Here is what I propose. Before we hack it to bits, why not talk to a vet?"

"What's the point of that? Don't you think he's looked into this already?"

"Uhm excuse me Padfoot but I wasn't talking to you!"  
"Oh ok! I just don't want you to lead him astray with your pro-life crap! Please take it to bible school!"  
"I'll talk to you later, ok? Just for now, do you mind if I borrow your werewolf for two seconds so I can lay out my arguments without you interfereing? Thanks!"  
"So when he wants to hack baby animals he's _my_ werewolf?"

"We already had this talk."

James got his way. Sirius had a bag of old cough medicine bottles to empty into himself.

"Man people trying to force their opinions on others are the worst!" said James. "So, _have_ you talked to a vet?"

"Yes on the telephone," said Remus.

"That's not even real talking."

"There is no cure. Only treatments. I don't want anybody to stick tubes in Bluebell Junior if it's just to prolong the suffering."

"So you are sure it is going to die?"

"Hardly any peanuts survive."

"Aha! So some peanuts _do_ survive!"

"It's not going to live, the chances are too minimal."

"But it might. Have a little faith! Maybe the only one suffering here is you. That peanut doesn't know anything but suffering, so how does it even know there is not-suffering? And if there is not-suffering, how can there be suffering?"

"Wow that is deep. But I just can't give it the care it needs, I'm busy."

"So find somebody who isn't busy, who can take care of him."

"But just what sort of person wouldn't be busy?"

"Somebody who has time to bake. People who are busy don't have time to bake."

He was talking about the giant boardgame keeper.

The chaps abandoned the cleaning, deciding to visit the giant boardgame keeper instead. He lived by the giant pumpkin patch, in a hut that was way too small for him.

Haggers the giant boardgame keeper was always baking wizard sized biscuits and burning them, and cooking tea in his wizard sized kettle and burning it, all on his wizard sized stove. At Hogwarts he was treated as something of an inofficial vet, a kind of giant doctor Doolittle.

The chaps took the peanut to him, and in his hands it was the size of an actual peanut. The chaps were afraid he would actually take it for a peanut. Sirius feared this especially.

"What if he eats it!" he whispered.

"That is so beastist!" James whispered back. "Just because a giant is a giant, doesn't mean he eats baby animals as peanuts!"  
Haggers, who had remembered to put on his apron but not his accent today, raised the peanut to his beard.

"You really came here to give me one peanut? Well I do like peanuts! Thanks chaps!"  
He was about to stick the peanut between his beard and moustache. The chaps shouted protest.

"It's not a peanut!" James had to yell, because Haggers was super tall and a bit hard of hearing.

Hagger's face darkened. "Were you trying to trick me?!"

He didn't like being tricked, especially not by these chaps.

"What is it really?!"  
"It's a dwarf lop," Remus explained. "That's just what underdeveloped and deformed baby dwarf lops are called. It is sick and dying. I just came looking for advice."

"Wow that is so sad," said Haggers.

"I was just going to kill it, but..."  
"We'll I'll do some research, but I doubt I'll find anything you haven't."

"Is there really no cure then?" James asked.

"A cure? Sure there is a cure."

"There is a cure? Then why the unnecessary drama?"

"But it's hardly worth bringing up, because it's so expensive."

"That's it? It's a little pricy?"

"Don't get all condescending you toffee nosed nob. It's more than 'just a little pricy'.

"Don't call me a nob!"

"It is outrageously expensive because the cure can only be found in a cave in the sea of tranquility when the Earth is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars."

"I'm not the nob. Sirius is the nob."

"That's when the Jade Rabbit wakes up from his long nap and begins to bash it out with his pestle and mortar. I think it would cost 800 million wizard pounds to get it, to be precise. I doubt you put _that_ much gold on your breakfast."

"OooOoo!" said Sirius.

"What you laughing for you're the nob," said James.

"Denial isn't just a pyramid in Egypt."

"Whatever. I take your point. Getting the cure would be so crazy expensive I'd have to sell my family jewels in the street to scrape together that kind of money. I guess we better just set up some sort of fund."

"That's a very good idea!" said Haggers, his giant temper rising and falling like his soufflés.

"And also, we better make a saucy calendar to gather money for the fund!" said Sirius.

"Ok but don't make it too saucy."


	2. Chapter 2

PEANUT ACTUALLY

PART 2

Finally, that excuse to make a saucy calendar Sirius had always been waiting for! Now he just needed to get twelve willing chaps to participate as models. He knew James was game, but he also knew he was in on the calendar. He also knew Remus wasn't game, because he was predator beast, or dark creature, whichever. But he also knew he wasn't in on the calendar. Yet.

9 more chaps was all he needed now. Sirius knew he wanted to ask Roy, and he found him in the Chamber of the Giant Dentist Game (like Giant Operations, except with teeth) with Phil, editor of the alternative school paper Not The Mainstream Media.

"U1, U2, U3..." Roy mumbled, looking at the upper row of teeth in the big circle of teeth with a giant mouth mirror. "U4-"

A voice in the walls boomed.

 _CAVITY! TOOTH DECAY!_

Roy fell to his knees in despair and threw his arms in the air.

 _"_ NOOOOO!"  
"Ok my turn now," said Phil.

"Hey guys," said Sirius.

"Hello," said Roy and Phil.

"So Roy, listen. I'm rounding up some models for a saucy calendar. It's for charity. Do you want to be in it?"

"I'd be in your saucy calendar even if it wasn't for charity," said Roy. "What is the charity, 'though?"

"Peanuts."

"Like... the dog...?"

"It's a bunny, not a dog!"

"I think it's a beagle actually."

"Sorry," said Phil, who stopped examining the bottom row of teeth. "Did you say peanuts?"

"Yup," said Sirius.

"I would sure like to be in this calendar as well!"  
Sirius looked Phil up and down, judging his appearance.

"Hmmmm. Well alright then. But why do you care about peanuts?"

"The peanut is the most misunderstood of all legumes."

"I can think of a more misunderstood legume."

"What are you talking about?" Roy asked Phil. "The peanut is a nut, is it not? Not a legume. Legumes are, like, beans and stuff!"  
"That is what I'm talking about, Roy," said Phil. "The peanut is not a nut, it is in fact a legume. I'd like to be in this calendar so we can finally set the record straight, and recognise the peanut for what it truly is: a legume."

"Can't a legume be a nut, then?"

"How could a legume be a nut? A legume can only be a legume, and produce legumes, and not nuts."

"I think I stopped caring the first time you said legume," Roy yawned. "So will we all get our birth month or what? Mine's October."

"Fine I guess we can do that, I'm sure there won't be clashes," said Sirius.

"Mine is February," said Phil.

Sirius noted it down.

"Wow I'm so excited about my Libra shoot!" said Roy, all jittery.

"Oh..," said Sirius, "You want to do some sort of zodiac thing?"

"Weren't you doing a zodiac thing already?"

"I was just going to do a saucy thing."

"With what theme?"

"Sauce. Like worcester, HP, the one you put on eggs benedict... I kind of wanted the raspberry coulis."

"I am not rubbing my body in HP sauce for any charity."  
"It can be any sauce you want, Roy! It can be mint sauce!"  
"Wow that is tempting. But I think I would much prefer doing a zodiac thing."

"I'd like the _salsa de mani_ ," said Phil. "It's a peanut sauce so it's very appropriate, as well as delicious and entirely vegetarian."

"You got it, Phil," said Sirius. "Well cheers guys, for taking part in my saucy calendar for all the peanuts out there. I'll be in touch."

"When do you think the shootings will start?" Roy asked.

"It probably will be sometime after the coming fullmoon. Did I say fullmoon? I meant it's my mum, she isn't well. I didn't say fullmoon. I'm not a werewolf! Stop asking questions!"

He ran out of the Chamber of the Giant Dentist Game to look for some more models, and he was just crossing the giant cluedo floor when Fletcher hopped out from under the snooker table.

"Hey wait up!"  
"What's up Fletch?"

"I saw you talking to Roy and Phil just now about a saucy calendar for peanuts."

"So?"

"My favourite sauce is the brown sauce!"  
"You are so not going in my calendar, Fletch, sorry. It may be for charity but my models still need to maintain some sort of minimum level of attractiveness."

"I know I may not conform to the norms of beauty-"

"-or hygiene-"

"-by being very tall or very skinny-"  
"-or very clean or very fragrant-"

"Please? I just care about legumes so much! Legumes are often mistaken for nuts, but are nuts ever mistaken for legumes?"

"Yes."

"The legumes are so underappreciated as a plant group."

"This isn't for legumes. It's for peanuts and a legume."  
"I know that. But it's a start. Some people know that the peanut isn't actually a nut. But how many know that the clover is a legume? Hm? Did you know that?"

"I really don't care what the clover is."  
"People just think of clover as grass, and of legumes as beans, and of peanuts as nuts. Please can I be in your saucy calendar? Let me shake my darling buds in the month of May, I'm a taurus!"  
"Nice one. I always feel that a lewd subtext enhances Shakespeare."

"What's a shakespeare?"

Then Beau Marceau, mime, prefect, main school paper photographer and house peer of Fletcher, mimed coming down from the ceiling by a rope.

"You found me," said Fletcher. "We were playng hide and seek. Say Beau, do you want to be in a saucy calendar for peanuts?"

Beau Marceau nodded and mimed that he wanted the créme patissiére.

"Well isn't that more of a custard, can it really be called a sauce?" Sirius asked.

"So when do we start?" Fletcher asked.

"I don't know yet," said Sirius. "As soon as I'm done werewolfing. What fullmoon? Stop asking questions!"

He ran off.


	3. Chapter 3

PEANUT ACTUALLY

PART 3

The shootings could begin as soon as the next weekend came. The saucy photographs were to be taken in order of the zodiac signs, that was to say, beginning with aries and ending with pisces. Sirius only wound up doing it that way because he had gotten some lists mixed up.

The chap who was first in line for a saucy photo session was a grade 6 Ravenclaw by the name of Mark.

The entire calendar team plus the models as well as curious spectors magi-transported themselves to East Mead (those below grade 6 and Peter took the bus), where Mark was to have his photo taken lying in Old Man Neeson's sheep's pen wearing papier mache ram horns and very little else.

It took no time to set everything up and get the picture taken. Sirius snapped about ten, said thank you Mark and then they could all move their stuff to Old Man Neeson's cow patch near by.

The cows were out, all hanging out at one side of the patch. Sirius stopped his walking tripod on the other side of it. Here was a lovely oak to function as background.

"Ok then Fletch," he said, adjusting his beret and scarf. "I think you knew what you were getting yourself into when you so desperately wanted to be in this calendar."

"I did. It's why I brought this bucket of brown sauce," said Fletch.

"Actually we're not doing the sauce bit after all. I don't know why but the zodiac idea was just more popular with the models."

"I think it's because people are a bit self-centered."

"I think so too. Ok I'm going to set up my camera and do some stuff with it. Why don't you-"

Woosh. Fletcher was out of his clothes before Sirius even finished that sentence. He looked over his sunnies.

"I think I might have to zoom out."

"Thank you."  
James handed Fletcher a red towel.

"Take this. It's to make yourself decent."

"Guys! I did have a bath before!"  
"Did you really?"

"But I got rid of it."

"You're supposed to use the towel to cover up those darling buds of yours."

"Oh I see. Aren't we doing saucy after all?"

"Not that saucy."

Fletcher took the towel and went to pose by the oak, holding the towel before his darling buds.

"Ok Fletch that looks great," said Sirius. "Now remember, you are one saucy bull! You have horns! You have big horns! Your horns are massive! Look over there, a spaniard, olé! Your horns are so big! Excellent stuff!"  
While Sirius kept not actually taking any pictures, James and Remus went inside the cowshed. All the booths were empty in there, except one. Here was Old Man Neeson's bull.

"Or, is it an oxe?" James asked.

"I think he said get the bull."

"Does it even make a difference?"

"I think it makes a huge difference."

They looked over the booth door, at the bull. The bull stared back at them.

"It's a lot bigger than I thought it would be," said James. "Being killed by a bull has to be pretty rare, right?"

"I think so, too. I think that to be killed by a bull, you would at least have to seek one out and try to handle it without any previous experience or knowledge."

"If you have something to say don't say it. I bet that you are more likely to be killed by a shark than by a bull. And then you are more likely to be killed by pigs than by sharks. You are statistically more likely to be killed getting into a car than than getting into a tank full of hungry and threatened sharks, I read that somewhere. It was a scientific study."

"Are you sure that's what you read?"

"Just look at it. I don't think it looks aggressive, do you?"

"I don't see puffs of smoke coming out of the nostrils."

"I know! It's cool as a cucumber! Let's do this."

James unhinged the door, opened it slightly, then closed it very fast.

"Aaahh I can't do it I'm such a wuss!"  
"Do we absolutely need it for the photoshoot?"

"Of course we do. I told Padfoot we'd get it. When he asks where the bull is we can't just tell him we got scared!"  
"Well then maybe he can get the bull himself!"  
"Think! I mean we're grade 6 wizards! We should at least be able to transport a bull!"  
They thought long and hard, trying to recall a class that had covered bull transporting. They just couldn't remember one.

"I know!" said James. "What if you were to use those balls of yours!"  
"Look, there is nothing wussy about respecting a bull!"  
"No, I mean those balls where you keep your fairies. The balls that you throw on fairies to trap them, so you can carry them around in your bag."

"Oh do you mean my catchys?"

"Yes! Just throw one of those at the bull!"  
"I suppose I could do that. I'll just see if I have a spare. I think they might all be full. One sec."  
He opened his bag and rummaged through all his catchy-balls.

"I might have to release one. Not that one. Not that one. Especially not that one. I forgot I once got my hands on a pair of knockers."

"Good for you what about this one?"

James took a catchy-ball and threw it on the floor. All that appeared out of it was puffs of smoke. James picked up the empty catchy-ball halves.

"What was in this one?"

"A knocker."

"Cool. What do they do?"

They could hear something within the walls knocking. Shortly after the entire shed collapsed.

Fletcher pouted. He turned around and bent over. He yanked the towel away from his bum.

"How do you like _these_ rough winds?"

Sirius had to look away.

"Whoever said parting is such sweet sorrow..."  
"Are you still taking pictures?"

"Oh yeah lots! Keep those saucy poses coming! Groovy baby!"  
Sirius wasn't going to waste any negative on Fletcher's hot eye of heaven. He was wondering what was keeping that bull. when the cowshed broke down behind him. Turning around, he could see James and Remus emerging from a hill of debris. A bit bruised and scratched, they went around the back of the fence and threw a catchy-ball at the oak. And lo, a bull appeared. After that they found themselves another tree by which they could sit down and patch themselves together.

It looked like a standard night out basically.

"You must have taken hundred pictures now!" said Fletcher. "What pose do you want me to do next?"

The bull was just nosing around the oak, taking no real notice of Fletcher and his red towel. Sirius hadn't had any plan in mind, but he was inventing one now.

"Ok here's what I want Fletcher. Lean against the tree. Try to be sexy about it. That's no sexy that's cheesy. Give me nonchalant. Eh it will have to do. Ok hold that pose and face."

The bull was coming around the tree, still sniffing legumes in the grass. When both Fletcher and the bull could be seen through the camera lens he began to take some pictures, but what his artistic vision really craved was some sort of interaction between the two. He wanted a kind of "man versus animal" thing going on, or "Fletcher versus animal". He wanted Fletcher to become the bull whisperer.

"Or the bull, to become the man whisperer..," he whispered.

"WHAT?"

"NOTHING! Maybe the real animal...is man..."

"WHAT?"  
"NOTHING!"  
Sirius pretended to take some more pictures, while he pondered this.

"Hey how's it going?" James asked, his sores and bruises already healed by the looks of it.

"It's alright. But I would really like it if Fletcher would touch it on the nozzle. Should be fine, right?"

"I don't see puffs of smoke coming out of it."

"Exactly!"  
"I might be able to arrange that! FLETCHER CLOSE YOUR EYES!"

James ran around the fence, hopped over it at the back and snuck closer to the tree. He knew he had to befriend the bull, gain its trust. It looked at him.

"Hey there, big guy!"  
"You're making me blush!" said Fletcher, still posing with eyes closed.

"Hey Fletch listen! We went and borrowed Old Man Neeson's giant dog and put a viking helmet on its head, for horns."  
"But viking helmets didn't actually-"

"Everybody's grandma and dog knows that viking helmets didn't actually have horns! Oh, sorry big fella, didn't mean to raise my voice there."

"That's ok, handsome."

"It's a helmet with horns in any case. Without opening your eyes, could you just touch Foofie on the nose? I will help you find it. Come here, come here you magnificent beast...""

"Sure thing you splendid creature! Where is this dog? What breed is it?"

"Oh it's a giant bull...dog."  
"A giant bulldog?"

"Giants have bulldogs. And they are giant."  
"French or English?"

"Uhm French then."

"Good because I here English bulldogs are so fat they can't even mate."

"Well this guy definitely doesn't have that problem."

"No because it's French and they are excellent lovers I hear."

"It's a dog. And the French aren't better lovers that is just a rumour spread by the French."

The bull had already been heading around the tree on its own. Now it was so very near Fletcher, that James could take his hand and guide its to its pierced nozzle. Then he let go, slowly, awaiting reaction.

"Oh wow that is a big sloppy nozzle!" said Fletcher.

"Yeah well it's a giant bulldog, innit? Not you, baby! You're not a bulldog! You're a real bull! Yes you are! Yes you are!"  
"Yes I am!"

"Oooh can I touch your ring?"

"Ok now you're making me uncomfortable."

Sirius gestured for James to get out of the shot, so he hid behind the tree.

"That is looking absolutely perfect Fletch!" he yelled. "I'm taking lots of pictures now! Groovy baby! You're a lemur! Stroke it on the nozzle! Excellent! Hold its face between your hands and face it! Marvellous! Perfect! Go in for a suggestive almost-snog- It's like you are reading my mind! You are serious about this shoot, I like it!"  
"You know," Fletcher yelled back, as well as right in the bull's face, "I've never really interacted with dogs before! I am actually a little scared that they will bite me. That is something I'd really like to change. People who have dogs, they seem to have such a special bond with them."

"Well you know what they say: you are statistically more likely to get killed getting into a plane full of napping werewolves than you are being runover by a steamroller."

"What? What's that got to do with anything?"

"Or was it trying to sit on a shark rather than be hit by a seahorse?"

"How's your mum by the way?"

"Who? What mum? Oh, _my_ mum."

"Is she better?"

"She doesn't want to change. My mum is a total werewolf. Although not an actual one, mind. That would be me. I mean I'm not either. Hi Moo what's up? I'm getting sort of hungry."

"It's going to be one of those days is it?" Remus asked, looking at his watch.

"One where we look into each others eyes a lot?"

"It's twelve. "

Sirius took some more pictures until the film ran out. Then he decided to have a quick fag. Fletcher was still whispering sweet nothings to the bull.

"Why are you asking me about my mum Fletch?" Sirius yelled. "Is it because you think I am acting weird? Because that is offensive!"

Then he put the lens cap on the objective.

"How's your mum doing, Moo?"

"Before you shout any further," said Remus. "I just wanted to let you know that Old Man Neeson is coming over. Even though I should have let him prod his pitch fork up your-"

"Old Man Neeson is coming over!" said James, sticking his face between theirs. "We need to leave!"  
"Arse is not such an offensive word," said Sirius. "You didn't need to interrupt that."

"Sorry I thought he was going to say uranus."

"Hm."

"Well I was going to say bellend," said Remus.

"Oh. So you are using the Rude Word of the Day Calendar?"

"As sure as %¤# $. Hey nice telegraph!"  
"Thanks!" said James. "Can we leave now, or do you guys need to look into eachothers eyes some more?"

"I can look into his eyes all day," said Sirius.

"Well can you do it a lunch? I'm getting hungry."

So was everybody else. The crew and supporters hurried away from the Old Man Neeson's cow patch. Nobody told Fletcher.


	4. Chapter 4

PEANUT ACTUALLY

PART 4

The magic food table offered steak and kidney pie for lunch. Vegetarian option: bean and kidney bean pie. Salad: no. Sirius wouldn't touch either. He had declared the school food crap on his first day, calling it prison food, saying food in French prisons was better and just had a bread roll.

"Well," he said, through the breadroll, looking at his list of upcoming photoshoots, "you're next, Prongs! You're Mr June!"  
"Awesome like a hot dog!"  
"Awesome like a billion hot dogs!"  
"It's the dog's bollocks, that's what it is!"  
"Maybe tonight, we could just get a pizza."

"There's nothing wrong with the food, Padfoot. You're just putting it down to be cool."

"Am not look at it!"

"And you, look at this!"  
James rolled up a flare leg to expose his right knee, to which he had attached lots of jewels and precious stones. Sirius took the breadroll from his mouth.

"Prongs, do you pronounce it _gemmy-knee?"_

James's smile faded slightly.

"Well how do you pronounce it then?"

"Thank God you're not in charge of the pisces shoot."

"You mean it's not 'pisses'?"

Sirius turned back to his list and sighed.

"We have a problem. There is only one of you."

"I know it's just nowhere near enough me!"  
"We need two of you!"  
"What if I were to just lie on a mirror?"

"That would just be you lying on a mirror wooden tit?"

"Maybe somebody could take some me-poly."

"Maybe. But you don't necessarily need an identical twin."

"There are non-identical twins?"

"We'll have to think about this. Then there's the other problem. Gemini isn't a very visually inspiring sign. I mean there's no animal!"  
"Well I looked in an astrology book one time and there were lots pictures of monkeys, so maybe something with monkeys?"

"We already have a monkey."

"We have a monkey?!"

"You! You're the monkey!"

"You want me to be a monkey?"

"You're already a monkey Prongs! Ugh you ruined my joke..."

" _Oh_ was it a joke! Shouldn't have made it so basic."

"I need inspiration. I need to consult some books. What I need, is for Moony to consult some books. What I really need, is for Moony to already have consulted some books. What I really truly need is for there to be a version of Moony that was leather bound, that I could open and close, leaf through and put away somewhere when he starts talking back. What I really truly need-"

"Is Moony, bound, and in leather?"  
"-is a version of Moony that would stop doing his porn now so I can get under his leather and examine his registry."

"What can I do for you?" Remus asked.

"Did I say porn? I meant homework."

"Did you find any baboons?"

"None of the zoos I contacted had them. Maybe inspiration is right in front of me. Coming to think of it, I don't even know what gemini means. Maybe it means something wildly unexpected."

"It means 'twins'. It's latin."

"Why is it in latin, I thought astrology was babylonian."

"The constellations all have latin names, so...

"Constellations? What they got to do with this?"

"You know what astrology is, don't you? The sun and planets passing through the constellations along the ecliptica, the zodiac?"

"Of course I know what astrology is!"  
"Good."

"What is it?"

"I just told you!"  
"Yeah, yeah, the zodiac. But how do the constellations come in?"

"The zodiac _is_ a bunch of constellations."

"I tought it was a bunch of animals."

"You know what a constellation is don't you?"

"Of course I know what I constellation is!"  
"Well what is it then?"

"It's like pictures on the sky with stars!"  
"Right. A long time ago, people liked to look at these pictures on the sky with stars and give them names and stories. The pictures on the sky with stars that ran along the ecliptica, they called the zodiac."

"Hold on now."

"Was I going too fast?"

"What are these stories you're talking about? I've never heard any story."

"Well, myths then. The persians had their myths. Then Egypt invaded Persia. Then Alexander the Great invaded Egypt. That's why nowadays the signs in the zodiac are associated with greek myths."

"You really lost me now. I have never associated them with any greek myths."

"Well, you know those stories of how the gods liked to slap people on the sky?"

"I thought you were going to say bottom."

"Maybe it doesn't matter. Why not use a mirror?"

"I'm serious. I know some greek myths. I know the one with the two kids who were nurtured by this mother wolf and then one bashed the other on the head. No wait, that's my early childhood."

"That one is roman."

"Is that a picture on the sky with stars?"

"No."

"Maybe that's gemini story."  
"That is not the gemini story."

"You said it was latin, so.."

"The gemini story goes like this: There were these half-twin brothers called Castor and Pollux."

"Hello," James interrupted. "How can anybody be half-twins?"

"Anything is possible when one of the dads is Zeus. They had the same mum, but different dads. Castor was the son of the King of Sparta, and Pollux was the son of Zeus, who had turned into a swan to seduce his mum. So basically, these half-twins had a beef with their rivalling twin cousins. It was a feud that started over some women, and after that they kept wanting to extract revenge. So one time, the half-twins thought they'd steal their cousin's cattle herd. Castor, the mortal one, sat watch up in a tree when he was ambushed by one of the cousins and fatally wounded. A brawl ensued. Pollux killed one of the cousins, and when the other one tried to kill Pollux he was himself struck by one of Zeus's thunderbolts. Pollux took the dying Castor in his arms. Zeus then gave him a choice: he could either spend all his days on Mount Olympus, or he could share his immortality with his half twin. He chose to share it sob sob happy end."

"That was super helpful!" said Sirius. "I now know what I want to do for the shoot, and that is just great that they were half-twins because that means they're not expected to be identical."

"Glad I could be of help."

"We could have two pairs and do a westside story thing," said James.

"Wow that is tempting," said Sirius. "But I think I'll skip the musical references this time. Prongs maybe you can ask one of your squiditch chums."

"I could do that, sure. So Wormtail, are you in the calendar?"

"I haven't be asked but I don't want to be in it," Peter replied.

"Ok."

"All the months are taken anyway," said Sirius. "The enthusiasm this whole project has received has really surprised me."

"You're birthmonth is also June, 'though, isn't it?" Remus asked Peter.

"Yes it's June," Peter confirmed.

"Is it? I had no idea," said James. "Late June?"

"My birthday is the 9th of June."

"But...that's the same as me..."

"I know it's like... we should hang out more just us..."

"Maybe you'd like to be the other twin," said Remus.

"Modelling is not really my thing."

"It's not everybody's thing, I completely respect that," said Sirius.

"Yeah there are lots of other ways to be involved," said Remus.

"Yeah but... not really..."

"You don't agree?"

"Hey what matters if that you _feel_ that you are involved! It doesn't matter if it really counts..."

"Don't you think I have been involved?"

"Of course you have been involved! You have been super involved!"

"Or that it counts..."

"Look it counts!"  
"Ok. Good."

"All I'm saying is that being a model counts more, because that's where the real work is."

"I see."

"Look, that came out wrong. You got me that bull. You help me all the time. I appreciate it."

"I think I get it. You're thinking about the sacrifice the models are making."

"Yeah but you sacrificed that knocker."  
"I think the models are really brave. They're the real heroes of the calendar."

"Bravery has nothing to do with it. These people want to show more than I want to see. Everybody who is involved is a hero in my book. You are right. There are lots of ways to be involved, and show your support, and they don't matter any less. Ok so Wormtail, fancy being in my calendar?"

"Me? I'm not model material," said Peter.

"Pfft not model material? You've seen Fletch. We take all body types!"

"But I don't really want to."

"But it would be us doing a shoot together!" said James.

"Wow! Us? A shoot? Together?" Peter was so very nearly swayed. "I don't know. They'll just laugh at me."

"Laugh at you? They won't laugh at you! Everyone will think you're cool! They will say: Look at him, being in the calendar, he is so cool! Everyone who is in the calendar is cool! He is so much cooler than he would have been, was he not in the calendar!"

"Not being in the calendar is laaaaame," said Sirius.

"Yeah you're not lame are you?"

"Oi he said no back off!" said Remus.

"Uhm you back off please!"  
"Stop pressuring him into doing something he doesn't want to do!"  
"Nobody is pressuring anyone into doing anything against their will here," said Sirius. "We're not going to tie anybody up and drag them kicking and screaming."

"Doing that would be _forcing."_

"Semantics!"  
"I don't want Wormtail to do anything he doesn't want to do," said James. "It's just that, sometimes people say no, when they mean yes."

"Did you not get any of Pomfrey's no means no seminar?" Remus asked.

"I think we all got as many as we wanted at Pomfrey's no means no seminar."

"I know what I got from that seminar," said Sirius. "Always tell your friend what you want to do, so your friend can make an informed choice."

"Pomfrey didn't say anything like it," said Remus.

"Are you sure? I thought that sounded inoffensive."

"This is what she said: No means no. Yes means no. Don't even think about it."

"Look, people do actually sometimes say no when they mean yes," said James. "Sometimes people are just afraid to say yes! Don't look at me like that, I don't actually want to shag Wormtail!"  
"Oh dear me..," said Sirius.

"I don't even know why you have to make everything about sex all the time. Really, it's kind of worrying."

"I forgot what we were talking about."

"We were talking about the calendar. We were saying how much we'd like Wormtail to be in it together with us and all our friends."

"Oh yeah. Too bad he doesn't want that. It's more than just a calendar. One day it's going to be a fond memory."

"Exactly. Ten years from now when we look through it, we will wonder: Where is Wormtail? Why isn't he in here?"

"Where was he? Was he even there?"

"All that doesn't seem so fun today, because he wasn't there to share it."

"Where is he? I can swear I saw him not two minutes ago."

"He's right next to me," said Remus.

"Oh _there._ I forgot you can blend in with the background. How do you do it?"

"I can't," said Peter.

"Are you sure? Maybe you just don't know it."  
"Well I do hope it's not considered pressuring if I say that I hope you'll change your mind," said James. "I would just find that funny I mean fun. Also I am not actually coming on to you no matter what Moony's been telling you."

"But everybody looks better than me," said Peter. "Even Fletcher and he doesn't even wash. Nobody will want to buy a calendar that has me in it."

"Nobody will advertise that part when we sell it," said Sirius.

"Everybody is beautiful in their own way," said James. "Hey just look at me. Some girls don't like chiselled abs."

"Are you trying to appeal to them?"

"Har har you're very welcome."

"Trust me, even 'though you're in it, nobody is going to know you're in it. I'll make sure of it."

"But we'll know! When we have those warm fuzzy memories!"  
"We will say: I swear I remember Wormtail being in this, but I guess he wasn't!"

"Where is he? I can swear I saw him not two minutes ago."

"I'm still here," said Peter."

"How do you do that?!"  
"I guess I can be in the calendar, if nobody will even know it and you need another half-twin!"

"Awesome! Then in the future we will go: Wow! Everyone is in this calendar! Well, _almost_ everyone..."

"Everyone who isn't lame," said Sirius. " _Even Peter._ I guess it wasn't _so scary_ if _even Peter_ is in it!"  
He glared at Remus, Remus glared back at him, their eyes shooting tiny flashes while somebody practicing the flute played the theme from The Good, The Bad & The Ugly.


	5. Chapter 5

PEANUT ACTUALLY

PART 5

The weather was nice on Sunday. The hazel grove was chosen as the location for that day's shooting. James had his hair permed for the occasion, for Greek gods always had curly hair. He also wore a fake gold laurel wreath as well as a loin cloth. Peter wore a black curly wig with a laurel wreath as well as a tunic.

"They should be done misting the bushes in there anytime now," said Sirius, who had a smoke near the grove in the meantime.

"Good, because I want to talk about this shoot," said James.

"The bedsheet diaper suits you."

"It's called a _perizoma._ Jesus had one of these."

"Is it what caused his hands to spontaneously combust?"

"Give me one. Thanks. Light please. I know it makes sense for me to be the divine half-twin in the scenario you've fabricated."

"I only want to tell it the way Moony told it. THE SWAN IS GETTING AWAY GET IT!"

"But I think that I should be the one who is fatally wounded, for nobly protecting my brother."

"He wasn't nobly trying to protect you, he just had crap reflexes."

"Yeah but I think a noble sacrifice just make for a better narrative."

"Do you want to be the mortal half twin instead?"

"No. I think I should be the divine half twin, as well as the one who is fatally wounded."

"Well you can't be both."

"I think the divine half-twin should be fatally wounded, for nobly protecting his brother."

"But divine half twins aren't fatally wounded."

"They are if they are hit by a divine spear. You're not opposed a creative interpretation are you?"

"I am if it's shit. We already planned this!"  
"Hey what's your problem man!"

"My problem is that I have it all worked out in my head and now you're asking me to work out something new in two minutes!"

"No I'm not because I just worked it out for you, you _dic-_ tator!"  
"Oh, I'm a _dic-_ tator, am I? If I'm a _dic-_ tator, it's because you wouldn't know a Picasso if Picasso came up to you and said: Hola I'm Picasso and here is my Picasso! Put down the stick!"

"You want this? You want this!"

"Put it down I said!"

"You want this huh? Go get it then!" James threw the stick through the hazel grove, and Sirius ran after it.

Meanwhile, in the grove. For September, the leaves on the hazel bushes sure looked bright and newly sprung.

"Thanks for helping me mist these with Eau Du Spring," said Remus to Fletcher. "I really think you can tell the difference!"  
"Hey no problem any time!" Fletcher replied. "I so enjoy being part of all this! I'm hardly ever part of anything. I'm something of a solo act, normally. A kind of lone ranger, if you will."

"We really appreciate it. The reception this whole thing has recieved has just been amazing. I'm really surprised at how many actually care about peanuts, and how willing they are to drop their pants in front of a camera for them! Really did not expect there'd be stand-ins in case of a flu outbreak!"

"I surprised myself! I never thought I'd do such a thing because I'm not that wild and crazy.. Not that the thought had ever occurred to me, because I never imagined I'd be asked to!"

"But you weren't asked, as far as I was told."

"Well maybe not directly. If it was anybody else arranging it, even if it was to end world hunger, I'm not sure I would have. But because it was Sirius Black looking for people to take their pants off so he could take pictures, somehow I was really keen to do that. Yeah, I don't know why, but he tends to give me very weird and deeply confusing thoughts... Does he ever give you weird and deeply confusing thoughts?"

"I always find his thoughts weird and deeply confusing."

Peter had been hiding out behind a couple of hazel bushes. Now he entered the grove, having developed second thoughts again. Despite having not been made to wear a bedsheet diaper, he was still so much more embarassed than James.

"I don't know if I want to do this after all," he said to Remus. "I look so stupid in all this. Everyone is pointing and laughing. I should never have gone along with this."

"You can always change your mind," said Remus.

"But they said I couldn't."

"They also said they don't drag anybody kicking and screaming, so..."  
"No they drag them stupefied and gagged apparently."

"If you have changed your mind you should tell them so they can find somebody else. And don't let them try to sway you. Doing this type of shooting isn't for everyone. It doesn't mean you're shy, or lame, or just stay in all day, or that you say no to life, or that you never take risk, or that you're a hopeless do-gooder, or that you're a wuss, or that you live a blank existense of limitations, or that you're just adding regrets to your deathbed, or that you never catch a plane last minute, or that you never dye your hair a crazy colour, or that you prefer to watch boring documetaries about basket weaving, or that you're substituting hope with hobbies, or that you cause nuclear wars, or that you just put grass clipping on grow patches, or that the road to unfulfillment is paved with grinding your own eggshells, or that you sort pens in alphabetical order, or that you're just concerned with what makes sense and what doesn't, or that you never put your books in back first, or that in Soviet russia, grass watches you grow, or that in Soviet russia, paint watches you dry, or that in Soviet Russia, grass puts you on grow patches..."

"I've never even been to Soviet Russia."

"Don't let them fault you for not being in a saucy calendar! Just say no and stand your ground!"  
"I will! I will say no and I will stand my ground this time!"  
"I think I've misted everywhere now can you tell if there's any patch that still needs misting?" Fletcher asked when he was hit in the head by a flying stick and passed out. Shortly after, Sirius came running into the grove and picked up the stick.

"Looks good in here. I will get my camera and then we can get started."

"I'm-I'm saying no!" said Peter.

"Oh. Don't you want to be in this now?"

"No because-"  
"You don't have to explain yourself," said Remus.

"Oi," said Sirius. "When you keep it in here?" Point to heart. "You steal a gift. Let him explain if he wants to."

"Sure. I just wanted to point it out."

"So is this about all those people pointing and laughing? Because I can tell them to shut up or piss off. Quitting over a few people making fun is just giving in to the opression."

"And being in the calendar because it's what you want isn't?" Remus.

"People don't always want what's good for them."

"People sometimes want what isn't."

"So if everyone were yelling at him to not jump off a bridge, you think he should just jump off a bridge? You only regret the things you didn't do."

"Like not jumping off a bridge?"

"How can you just stand there and tell him he should just jump off a bridge I mean what is wrong with you?"

"I am saying no!" said Peter. "And I am standing my ground!"

"Just face it," said Remus. "You don't evoke the desire to throw off ones pants in everybody."

"Just you then?" Sirius retorted.

"Why don't you just respect his will and move along?"

"You're right. Of course you're right, that's why you're the prefect. For real, 'though, I will take your advice and just get him what he wants, like you said.

"That's not what I said at all."

"So Wormtail, Prongs says he will watch Dumbo with you if you'll do this shoot."

"Wow really?" said Peter, hyper excited. "Ok then!"

Peter ran out of the grove.

"Awesome, that means everyone's in the calendar," said Sirius. "Well, _almost_ everyone..."

Glare fest.

"This isn't about me, is it?" Remus asked.

"About you? Get over yourself!" 

The camera had been set up. James sat in the grove, wearing a novelty spear hat over his laurel wreath. Peter had his head in his lap and his eyes closed. That was all the instruction he was going to recieve.

"Now remember," said Sirius. "You are the divine son of Zeus and a swan. You took a divine spear for your brother, who would later thread on a poisonous plant and enter a coma. You don't know if he is going to make it. Soon you are going to ask your father Zeus to take you instead, but right now he is off seducing the animal rights activists. You are grief stricken! Give me some grief with homoerotic undertones! Action! You're a lemur!"  
"Good night sweet prince," said James. "Tears haven't touched my cheeks in this way since I saw the Three Gentlemen of Verona, which I happen to know is a Picasso because my mum has the puzzle-"

"This camera doesn't take sound photos, only moving ones."

Peter lied there as still as he could, in James's lap, but he struggled not to smile. James had to say that his dog was better at playing dead, and so was his dog at home, Winner (how he missed that son of a Bichon Frisé.)

"Come on!" said Sirius. "I want to see some grief with homoerotic undertones! There's a party in six hours and these people need to get in some really tight flares!"  
"I know! But I'm just finding it hard to get in the mood you want."

"Take off your glasses then."

James removed his hornrimmed Basil & Meduso's and snuck them behind his back. Without them, his entire surroundings became a brownish blur, where he could distinguish no detail. He could feel Peter's head in his hands, and round cheeks, but he couldn't see his pudgy face. His face was like a beige canvas, on which any face could be painted with some imagination. James reminded himself of the story.

"I am the son of Zeus. I took a spear for my half-twin, who then stepped on a poisonous plant and entered a coma. I am, like, well sad. The Kenmare Kestrels lost the cup. The Kenmare Kestrels lost the cup. The Kenmare Kestrels lost the cup. Darren O'Hare sprained his ankle."

"I said I want sexy sad chop chop!"  
"I am looking as sad as I can! Kenmare Kestrels lost the cup..."

"It's not good enough that Kenmare Kestrels lost the cup! You have to look like you just lost your secret lover!"  
"He's my brother yech!"  
"It's only subtext, ok? Look, try to imagine somebody you really care about. Somebody you love, even. Not a blood relative, but somebody else you have very strong attachments to. Somebody you'd really miss if they were gone. Somebody you can't live without."

"Right! Gotcha!"  
James didn't have to ransack his mind very hard at all because Sirius sprang to mind nearly instantly. Sure they had their loud fights that could get really violent at times, but the conflicts between them always blowed over like strawhouses.

Now he could see his face before him, his hair, eyes, smile and hair. He remembered some of the fun things they had been through together, he saw them running across a field holding hands while the casette in back of his head played Queen's _You're My Best Friend._

Then he remembered he needed to make himself sad. And so he tried to imagine him dead. Dead deady deaded. He saw Sirius, paler than his usual pale, eyes closed, hair, looking like he was just peacefully asleep, dat hair. In the back of his head, the news reader on WBBC1 spoke: _Grade 6 wizard stupidly dead in stupid car accident, when trying to steer a car with platform shoes. Healers declare him so dead he will never be not dead ever again. And now, the weather!  
_ James began to well up. He just couldn't believe it. He just couldn't be gone.

"No! NOOOOO!"

His mind-casette played Queen's _All Dead, All Dead._  
A distant voice spoke:

" _That is looking excellent! You're a lemur!"  
_ James began to see dead lemurs.

"NOT THE LEMURS!"  
" _Groovy baby! Now do it like you're going to kiss him on the forehead, except you can't tell if you're really going to kiss him on the forehead or on the lips! It's subtext!"_

That distant voice was like James's inside voice, and he did as he was told without giving it any thought. He began to remember that he was the son of Zeus, and that he was holding his half-twin in his arms. His half-twin, who just happened to look like Sirius. He leaned in.

"Good bye," he whispered and puckered up.

Then somebody farted.


	6. Chapter 6

PEANUT ACTUALLY

PART 6

Time sure moved fast. Excessive homework made it difficult to schedule the photoshoots to anything but the weekends and very soon the autumn could not be ignored.

James and Sirius were in the gym locker room, newly showered after PE, getting dressed. Peter was there as well, but he was still waiting for his turn in the showers. Remus always shirked PE and only just turned up.

"So who is up next for picture taking?" he asked.

"I can't remember. I have the list somewhere..," said Sirius and began to half-heartedly look for it.

"Well it's probably just another white bloke innit..."

"Mark wasn't a white bloke. A number of the models are ethnical minorities."

"That's good."

"I'm glad you think so."

Sirius proceded to put on his socks. Remus sighed.

"A bunch of non-queer blokes..."

"Uhm where have you been this whole time? I have at least two gays and I'm bi myself."  
"Well are you really..," James muttered.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Or are you just hopping on the rock n roll bandwagon? You read something about David Bowie and Mick Jagger and thought it meant you had to be bi to be cool."

"That is so ignorant."

"Well that's just typical, isn't it?" said Remus.

"I am not just hopping on a bandwagon. You guys are just being queerphobic."

"I mean that, queer people are either bi or gay and that's it."

"You mean there are other types of queers?"

"I don't even know. I just think that the diversity in this calendar is really awesome!"  
"Yes." Sirius went back to his socks.

"Just a bunch of queer, male living folk..."

"Yes, everyone is alive and everyone is a bloke, that is the sort of calendar this is. What's your point?"

"Only that the diversity is so great! That is so amazing!"

"Well we got to have something for everybody who likes blokes." Back to those socks.

"Just a bunch of normal wizards..."

"I _did_ ask you if you wanted to be in it!"  
"So what? That would be just another normal wizard, wouldn't it?"

"Yes. Yes of course. What are you saying, do you think there is some minority that isn't represented in the calendar?"

"I'm sure there is, but really, it would be impossible to represent everybody! I think you've done super!"

"Thanks. I'm not some diva dictator. I'm open for feedback." So, that sock then.

"Just a bunch of purebloods..."

"Is that really true? Do you know everybody's purity status?"

"I don't know. But they're all wizards, you have to admit that."

"That's because this is a wizard school."

"Oh right yeah! That makes sense!"  
"How's your mum?"

"Getting there how's yours?"

"Not going anywhere." Where was he? Oh yes, that sock. Remus coughed.

"No ghosts..."

" _Ghosts?_

 _"_ Did you find that list?"

"I don't think I brought it. What were you saying about ghosts?"

"Only that there are a lot of ghosts. Ghosts are always overlooked by society. You should include some ghosts."

Sirius put his wand on lumos minima and looked in Remus's eyes.

"I guess it's normal for your pupils to be a little dilated..."

Remus pushed him away before he could feel his temperature.

"Well that just proves my point. You think I'm mad for suggesting that ghosts should be treated as equals."

"Why are you wearing a poloneck? Are you freezing? Give me your wrist."

"It's cold out. No."

"Ghosts aren't people. They're like echoes of dead."

"They are more than echoes of dead because they think and feel."

"Well even so, all the ghosts I know are old. I don't want an old ghost in my calendar. And ghosts can't even take their clothes off as far as I know. Say ah."

"Why are you making this fuss?" James asked.

"I don't think I am making a fuss," said Remus.

"You are making a pointless fuss about ghosts."

"I sure hope it wasn't pointless."

Then it got really noisy in the showers. The chaps couldn't see what was happening in there. All they saw was a bunch of shampoo bottles and soap bars flying out of there, all hitting the locker doors and some very nearly taking their eyes out. A number of irritated boys came running out of there, tying their towels around their waists, quickly gathering their possessions and leaving the lockerroom.

" _AHAHAHAHAHA!"_ a voice cackled. " _Vere are you going? I fought ve vere having fun!"_

Curious, and with a certain suspicion, the chaps went to the showers and looked inside carefully. They could see a right mess in there but no ghost.

The shower nozzles began to shoot extremely cold and extremely hot water in all directions, never blending. The lamps began to disco-blink, doors opened and closed and wet towels tried to spank them.

"I knew it!" said James, grabbing hold of a flying wet towel and pulled at it. "It's that ruddy german ghost, Paul Von Peevenstein!"  
"Seriously, Paul!" said Sirius. "Talk about ghost mischief 101! Next my head will be spinning around and I'll be talking in-"

His head began to spin around, his eyes roll in their sockets and he made a noise like the devil's sheep. Remus collected some water, blessed it and chucked it in his face.

"Ja, ja, you are right," said Paul. "It is time I come up with some new misschiffs."

Then he showed himself. Paul the german ghost had died age 16 in a freak hide and seek accident, so that was the age he would forever be stuck with unless he did another ghost age update. He wore a tweed vest and blazer with matching shorts, presumably the fashion if his days, and his black hair was very ghost-oiled.

"You all know my story, ja? I can tell it. A spectre loves to tell his death story. It is very...grimm? You zee? Grimm, like the german fairy tale collectors? I try to spice up my speech with german references when I can."

"Yes you were an exchange student and you got stuck in a grandfather clock and bashed to death by clock pendulums," said James. "We know."

"Nein. I vas not an exzange student. My family moved here during the var. I went but a year in Hosenwurst Academy, before I came to Horgwarshen."

"Paul do you mind?"

Paul stopped the showers shooting water and the lights blinking and the wet towels whipping. The chaps were soaked to their cores.

"So," said Paul. "I hear you are making a saucy calendar."

"Who told you that?" Sirius asked. Remus looked guilty. "Why would you tell Paul that?"

"Why not I didn't know it was a secret."

"When I was alive, during the var," said Paul. "The frauleins thought I was a right catch. Just sprechen. I hear the calendar is for peanuts. Ah, how zad I vas when I was a kinder during the var, when my rabbit had a litter and von of zem was a peanut. It broke mein heart. I vowed to find a cure, but unfortunately I died in a freak hide and seek accident."

"I don't suppose you want to be in the calendar?"

"It's been so long since I did anything besides being a mischievous german spectre who makes doors open and close and lights flash! It would be such a fresh change, and I got to fulfill my promise."  
"Can you take your clothes off?"

"Cheeky! Is that how you make zem audition?"

"Because I would have thought that ghosts can't, and it is a saucy calendar."  
"Uhm guten tag? I am a spectre, bitte? Not a ghost!"  
"Can spectres take their clothes off"

"You don't find it strange that ghosts wear clothes, but you find it strange that they can take them off? The clothes isn't the ghost, the person is!"

"I know, but I would have thought... the clothes died with the person?"

"Oh mein, Rem was right about you..."

"You talk a lot to this ghost?" Sirius asked Remus.

"What?" said Remus. "He's my friend."

"Your friend? How can you be friends with somebody who gives you nothing but trouble?"

"Maybe I think I can fix him..."

These are the clothes I died in," said Paul. "I put them on to be decent. I could change them if I vant, spectres just don't bother when they are dead."

"But they are all greyish and transparent," said James. "Like ghost clothing."

"Ja they are just really worn by now."

"Well that is interesting," said Sirius. "I really would have considered you as a model, but unfortunately all the months are taken by blokes who don't wilfully break my stuff."

"I actually thought you liked me at least a little. You like it when I get in Snape's potion and fly away, with him chasing after."

"That's true. I forgot about that. But the month is still taken. And I'm really just not sure about a ghost."

"I zee. Well, suit yourself."

Paul disappeared.

"Seriously now," said James to Remus. "What's it to you, if Paul is in the calendar?"

"He took all my catchys," said Remus.

And sure enough, all his catchys were now hanging below the ceiling in a nice bunch, each of them containing some sort of vicious creature. They all dropped at the same time.

After a few scratches, fractures, multiple symptoms of multiple types of poisoning and a trip to Pomfrey, the chaps had to answer to the McGonagall.

"Are you sure you saw a rift in the space time continuum?" she asked. "That was leading straight to hell?"

"As sure as I am wise enough to know you would never fall for such a thing," said James. "And, not that we want to blame anybody, but we did collect this in a test tube..,"

He showed McGonagall the test tube with the bubbly liquid he and Sirius had prepared.

"The space rift potion. But we're not blaming anyone."

"Also we found this but we're not blaming anyone," said Sirius, and put a greasy hair on the desk.

"Except society and neglectful parents."

"Well, I was going to give you all detention for an unspecified time ahead," said McGonagall. "But what you are implying sounds entirely plausible. So instead, I am going to give you detention for an unspecified time ahead anyway."

"Actually it was my fault entirely," said Remus.

"And mine," said James. "I haven't been very nice. I've been a jackass."

"Me too," said Sirius. "A right arsehole."

"You've been unusually honest so far," said McGonagall. "How did all those things get in the lockerroom?"

"Uhm so how long an unspecified time ahead were you thinking?" James asked.

"Every morning at 5 am for as long as you have left."

"With you we hope!"

"In your dreams. "

"Ok we'll take it."

"Good then you may leave."

The chaps got off their chairs and showed themselves out.

"You didn't have to do that," said Remus.

"I don't think so either," said Sirius. "McGonagall would never suspend or expel you for any reason. You're just too _dangerous!"_

"Remember that time I was suspended?"

"Pfft, it was for a couple of weeks before the Yule holiday and they made you stay with Haggers. Dumbledore and McGonagall want to keep you near them, because they don't trust you."

"Well chaps that is just what we're about," said James. "One gets detention, all gets detention! Put it here!"

He put out his hand so they could put theirs over it. Peter did. Not anybody else, 'though.

"I've had detention alone lots of times," said Sirius.

"Put it here come on! Let's do this!"  
"You never show me that kind of nobility, in fact you always make yourself innocent and blame me for everything."

"Come on I've always wanted to do this thing!"


	7. Chapter 7

PEANUT ACTUALLY

PART 7

As Mr July, Paul was made to lie on a wet and windy beach wearing papier mache lobster pincers and tail, a bit like a ghost-mer-werecrayfish, with merely a bit of seaweed covering his dearly departeds.

Then the turn came to Mr August. That was when Sirius came to know what it meant to experience regret. Because now he had to deal with the most insufferable diva of all!

"I'm not touching that!" said Reggie.

His skin was painted in various big cat patterns and he wore cheetah hot pants. His hair had been tufted up and spray painted for the occasion as well.

Sirius looked at the dead head he was holding by its waxy hair, with the grey skin and flies buzzing around it and maggots crawling in the semi-decomposed eyes.

"And why not?"

"It is disgusting!"  
"Let me explain the backstory to you again. There was this chap called Hercules who had twelve feet. He was made to do a bunch of random hero stuff. One of them was to kill the Norwegian lion. Of course he did, but we're doing a twist on that. In our version, Hercules was killed by the lion. That's you. This is his head."

"Is the story that I tore his head off ten years ago?"

"Ten years ago? This would have been a skeleton by then. I'm guessing we're talking about... three years ago? It was the cabbie."

"You could have, like, gotten a doll of some kind. Or had your crafts people make a papier mache sculpture."

"Well how realistic would that have been?"

Thud. The head separated from the scalp and now Sirius was just holding a chunk of waxy hair with some soil and bugs.

"That is rank. No way," said Reggie.

"Ok then I will get somebody else."

"You will never find anybody willing to touch that."

"Ok bye."

Sirius turned back to get off the bare rock that overlooked the lake. He had camped out here to catch the sunrise for nothing.

"I was taking this seriously!" said Reggie. "No I was! When I heard people talking about this calendar, and about peanuts, and learning that peanuts are sick baby bunnies that always die within a week, I...I was moved to... I was moved to some evil laughter! Sucks to be them, what do I care!"  
"So you don't care after all?"

"No I do care, except evilly. But I should have known you just wanted to make fun of me, for caring! Evilly!"

"That is not true. This head is a trophy. I really don't understand how you can be such a baby about this. Evil minions don't get to act like babies. Do you know what happens to evil minions who act like babies?" Mime head cut.

James emerged from a couple of trees, holding another severed head. It looked very real, although not as grossly pale and decomposed.

"We did it," he said. "We managed to get into the glass case that containes the stuffed and preserved body of Sir Nick and cut his head off. It's in a little better condition than the zombie don't you think?"

Sirius threw away the bit of hair he was holding and kicked the zombie head in the lake. Then he took Sir Nick's head. James made up some excuse to leave and left.

"Better?" Sirius asked.

"Yeah it's fine I guess," said Reggie.

"You get to violate a precious house symbol!"  
"Oh dear will a lot of people hate me then?"

"Yes but a lot of people will also love you."

"Hell yeah! I will disrepspect the shit out of this!"

As per usual, the shooting drew a large crowd, with all houses represented except for Slytherin. Reggie was seated on the rock overlooking the sea, the head of Fully Headless Nick beside him, the sunrise behind him. Sirius finished a steaming bucket of coffee and chucked it away.

"Ok so just to like start you off," he said. "Just give me sexy nonchalant feisty. Ok action! You're a lemur!"  
Reggie did various poses with Sir Nick's head and he sure knew what this calendar was about. He ran his fingers through his hair, through Sir Nick's hair, he looked deep into his dead eyes. Sirius was super pleased until the camera began to malfunction.

"What's happening _now?!"  
_ He was looking through the lens. The image he saw in the camera began to blink randomly. Then it would just go black for half a second, then again for half a second longer. Sirius tried turning it on and off again, he took out the battery, he checked the objective for dust, he fiddled with the zoom and he even took out the film. Nothing improved, in fact they only seemed to get worse. Now he saw nothing except for TV noise. He gave the camera a good slap. He could see through it again, but it was like looking at an old silent film. He could see a grown man with a thin moustache and goatee and he was wearing an armour.

"Old man we don't want you sweets piss off!" he said, but the man wasn't actually here. He was just in the camera and he was looking right at it, and he got closer with every camera flicker.

"Are you having camera problems?" James asked.

"It's acting weird and I don't know why."  
James had a look, Remus had a look, and they were just as befuddled. In the meantime, Reggie was getting bored fast. He began to kick the head around, with his knees, with his feet, elbows. He did all manner of sporty stunts just to see how long he could keep it in the air for. He didn't need to care about anybody watching him, because the crowd was only interested in seeing what was up with the camera.

That was until he saw a couple of house peers appearing in the back of the crowd. He knew they wanted him to do something hugely disrespectful to the head.

So he kicked it off the rock right in the lake.

"Take that! What do you think of that! You're squid food!"

The crowd began to boo and chuck bin content at him, but he ignored them. He was going to just walk off the rock and act like he had never really cared in the first place, when he tripped and fell on something.

It was the head. How could it be, he had just kicked it in the lake. He crawled towards it, hardly daring to touch it. It rolled around, its eyes glowing red now. Reggie flew up, scared. He was going to kick it even further away, but Sir Nick's head just jumped at his foot and bit into it. Oh it hurt so much!

James wanted to look in the camera again.

"It better not be that german ghost, Paul the Geist! Why would he do this to us? He got his way didn't he?"

"It's not him," said Remus.

"How can you be sure?"

"Because I have him right here," he rattled a catchy.

"Can I have that to play with? I find it helps me think."

"No way."  
"Can we be sure it's a ghost then?" Sirius asked.

"Well they do like to get in stuff and make them act weird."

"You know I said no big words."

"But there are so many ghosts!" said James. "What ghost would want to do this to us?

"Maybe if we narrow them down. I know there's the baron, then there's the friar."

"Then there's the lady ghost."  
"There's the pervert ghost that haunts the prefect bath."

"There's the pervert ghost that haunts the captain's bath."

"There's the pervert ghost that haunts our bath."

"We resolved that one. Turned out it was just Wormtail."

"There is all those ghosts you see at the ghost parties whenever there is a ghost party."

"The ghosts you see in the ghost party every time we have a mock election."

"What about Sir Nick?" said Peter. Nobody heard him, so Remus gave him Sirius's megaphone to speak into.

"WHAT ABOUT SIR NICK?"

"What of him?" James asked Sirius.

"What of whom?"

"Sorry, I thought I heard somebody mention Nick and I just though it was you."

"I didn't do that."

"IT WAS ME! I DID THAT!"  
"Look, I'm just really busy at the moment!" James told Peter when he noticed he was there. "We will see Dumbo when I'm not busy!"  
"I WAS ASKING: WHAT ABOUT SIR NICK?"

"That's really loud, can you turn it off please?"

"What about Sir Nick?"

"Look, let's just say Thursday, alright?"

Poor Peter, hardly anybody ever noticed him or heard him. So Remus had a crazy idea and yanked a hair off Sirius and put it on him.

"I just can't think of more ghosts," said James "Maybe you can do that, Wormtail, you're so friggin cool."

"Wow am I really?" Peter asked.

"That's so clever, Nick never even occurred to me," said Sirius. "I guess it could be, but why, 'though?"

"Ghosts don't like it when you mess with their bodies."

"Have you lost weight? You look different," said James.

"I have actually."

"Well whatever you've been doing, it's working. Regular exercise? A strict low fat diet?"

A magpie flew by and nicked that hair for its treasure trove, trading it for a piece of its own diet.

"I've been skipping carbs!" said Peter.

"We'll eat soon, patience! You have crap on you."

"You know what just occurred to me?" said Sirius. "Maybe Nick is pissed off, because you guys went and cut his head off. Ghosts don't like it when you mess with their body."

"I suppose the only way to get him out of your camera is to return the head to him."

"Ugh probably. But it's fine, because I think I got enough decent shots."

Sirius looked into the camera again, and found to his surprise that it was functioning normally once more. The mysterious figure was gone, and he saw only Reggie overexaggerating the boredom of having to wait by looking vacant, pale and drooling uncontrollably.

"Look I know waiting sucks but the camera is working again so can you go back to where you were please?"

But Reggie was such a drama queen he refused to take orders and just kept walking towards the camera with his arms out like their mummy. Sirius lifted the camera off the tripod and hung it around his neck.

"Fine be that way. Seriously when did you last shower? You look gross!"  
Reggie grabbed hold of his arm and bit him. It hurt so much Sirius had to scream.

"What happened? Are you ok?" James asked him.

But Sirius just stared at him with milky eyes and he was drooling a lot.

"Durrr brains," he said and bit James's leg. It hurt so much James had to scream.

"Seriously why did you even have to bite me _there?!"_

Then his brain began to shut down, leaving only a desire for brains. That was how a minor zombie epidemic came to break out.


	8. Chapter 8

PEANUT ACTUALLY

PART 8

After being sorted out by Pomfrey, the chaps found themselves having to answer to the McGonagall again. Well sort of.

"Not blaming anybody," said James. "But we found this potion and this greasy hair. The potion opens the dimension to hell!"  
"Why you telling me this?" Remus asked, who was sitting in McGonagall's chair because she was out. "I know that's not the truth."

"Well since McGonagall couldn't be bothered to see us this time, since she would rather make a statement on how pointless that is by putting you in her place, we thought we'd still make the effort," said Sirius.

"At last we beat the system!" said James. "She gave up!"

"I wasn't even there to cut off the head. It was just you two."

"Three."

"Forward that to McGonagall, if you like."

"Well it was your idea! The stuff we do for you!"

"Listen man, it's time you start taking responsibility for your own actions. High five!"

"Up yours."  
"Listen guys," said Remus. "You don't need me to forward all the stuff about points and that."

"Nooo! Don't we really?"

"I think McGonagall just wants us to know what she is really doing," said Sirius. "Which is turning you into her."

"She is not turning me into her!" said Remus. "Here are your quiz results back!"  
"Just face it. She has made you her minion. She is using you as a weapon. You are a weapon. If you can't read my writing, why are you faulting me for that? Maybe you just need to learn to read."

"Well she can try!" said James. "But I know she can't buy you that easily with extended power!"  
Remus rolled back in the chair and seized a lever on the wall.

"So sorry about this."

He pulled the lever, and door in the floor opened and the other chaps fell through it, shouting great profanities.

It was no understatement to say that James and Sirius were mad about that betrayal.

"We had to grind eggshells for hours!" said James. "While you got to sit comfortably in McGonagall's chair. Nobody has managed to fully severe Sir Nick's head before. But I know how you did it."

"But I got McGonagall to cancel all your detentions," said Remus. "It was a pretty good deal I thought."

"Oi we worked hard to accumulate those detentions!" said Sirius. "Now we have to start over!"  
"Well I think you guys are being silly. Grinding eggshells isn't so bad. It's better than having to do point substraction calculation exercises with Billy."

"Who is Billy?"

"Just a chap who got caught smoking in a lesser hall, right under a ventilation grid, on a Friday between two bank holidays at 9PM, and who has been caught twice before, and has a total point minus value of 600, but he also has a plus value of 50, but he hasn't gained any points in six months time. So, _how_ many points-"

"Ok I take your point this Billy sounds lame," said James.

"Smoking is lame."

"No smoking is cool. But if that's all he ever did, I can understand you feeling uninspired."

"I guess it's not your fault that you are bound to be somebody's weapon," said Sirius. "Might as well be Professor McGonagall's."

"I am not a weapon!" said Remus and looked at his watch. "And I'm not McGonagall's little helper! Excuse me I have a thing now!"

"Those grade oners still struggling with the latin grammar?"

"Shut up!"

They came to a set of stairs. Remus went up them, the rest just carried on in the direction they had been dragging.  
"Yeah you have got to stop saying that," James told Sirius. "Have you never heard the saying: you catch more werewolves with tea and honey?"

"Does that mean the same as better two werewolves in the bush than one in your hand?"

"Well anyway, are we going rollerskating or what?"

"Gee Prongs I'd love to. But I know you're not free right now."

"What are you talking about? I'm free?"

Sirius conjured a pair of tickets to Dumbo. James had fear in his glasses.

"Are you and I seeing Dumbo?"

"Even better!"  
They became aware of Peter's presence, and he was looking excited.

"I'd love to see Dumbo," said James. "But I'm busy. I have quidditch!"

"No quidditch today," said Sirius.

"OK but I have a date!"  
"With who!"  
"I'm bisexual will you date me?"

"No."

"Hey why not?"

"Because you're my mate and I mean that the way English people use it!"

"Do you mean English people like David Attenborough?"

"Sorry mate. What we have is just too special."

"You'd date Moony I know it."

"Well I don't know. What is dating, if not romantic hanging out with courting? Just the thought of getting either of you roses is very weird."

"I wouldn't turn them down."

"Ditto."

"If we're not rollerskating, why did you tell me to put on rollerskates?"

Sirius began to well up with guilt. "Be strong!"

"You also said to wear a jumping rope around my waist what was that about?"

Peter took the tickets and then he merrily pulled James away with him by that very rope. Sirius felt like he had taken one of his dear cats to the vet to put it to sleep. Of course what he had just done to James was miles, miles worse.


	9. Chapter 9

PEANUT ACTUALLY

PART 9

Those shootings sure were flying by. Sirius was particularily proud of the Mr September shot, where Beau Marceau got to stand nude in a rye field looking out at a sunset. There Sirius showed an artistic flair he always knew he possessed. Now it was time to shoot Mr October and the good thing was that it really was October.

The less good thing was that Roy was Mr October. Sirius just knew he was going to have _suggestions!_

"Here I found you, playing Wizard Pinball!" he said, putting a paper bag with some of his junk on the pinball machine. "I've been thinking about my shoot a lot! I thought that we could do it on my bed, on fuschia satin sheets with rose petals everywhere! I will hold these set of scales over my own, ahem, set of scales. Nice, huh? Brass! So let's do it! Let's go to my dorm now and do it on my bed!"

Sirius cringed at the sheer lack of imagination and creativity that was being displayed before him.

"Posing on satin sheets and rose petals? God that is so cliché! That's not the way to gain recocnition as a photographer or model. Just what part of fuschia sheets and rose petal says: Hi I'm a saucy capricorn!"

"I'm a libra."

"And I'm vaguely right wing but that's got nothing to do with this!" said Sirius and chucked a fake goatee at a bin, as well Old Slug's bathroom scales. "According to Cas's big astrology book, signs have their own colours and flowers and crap. Did you even look yours up before you went with fuschia and roses, or are those just your faves?"

"I thought you might object to my idea on principle."

"I thought you'd bring some of your crap on principle."

"What did you have in mind then?"

"I have something in mind, ok?"

"What is it?"

Well Sirius had to think of something sooner or later and now was as good a time as any. He had done so many nature shoots. He wanted to change things up a bit, get a little darker!

"I'll show you."

"Can I go and leave the scales first?"

"No bring them."

The word got out and soon the entire calendar crew and the supporters were heading down the deepest dungeons, passing through narrow and wet stone passages, that sort of stuff. They knew they were getting deep when they began to see random bones on the floor.

"Where are we going?" Roy asked.

"You'll see just wait!" said Sirius and turned to James. "Uhm can you tell me what is the capital of Yugoslavia?"

"Sure thing," James replied and opened his huge atlas. "It's that way. I mean it's uhm Budapest."

"It's Belgrade," said Remus.

"Oh. What way is that?"

"It's still that way. It's just Belgrade."

They got behind the atlas. "But we agreed that Budapest means 'it's that way'."  
"In that case the question should be: What is the capital of Hungary?"

"But the answer might not have been 'it's that way'. It might have been: to the right, two corners down."

"And what capital is that?"

"Amsterdam."

"Is the question always: What is the capital of Yugoslavia?"

"Of course not. Amsterdam isn't the capital of Yugoslavia."

The merry bunch soon came to find, that they had entered the prison dungeons, were the walls were lined with cells. Many of them were unlocked.

"Yes!" said Sirius. "This is perfect!"  
"Why are we stopping?" Roy asked. "I didn't bring mouth wash."

"This is the location for your shoot."

Roy had a look around, he had a whiff.

"You can't seriously be asking me to get nude down here."

"Of course not. Semi-nude."

"No way. I refuse."  
"I knew you were going to keep pushing those fuschia sheets and rose petals."  
"You really are the sort of person that is constantly looking for a fight."

"I'm not looking for a fight now, I'm looking for a compliant model."

"You're asking me to take my robes off in this dirty place of course you are looking for a fight. Everybody else gets to do lovely nature shots but not me. It's like you have to mess with me because you can't show any real emotion. It's why you have to jump from fling to fling."

"Woooow."

"I knooow."  
"Those lovely nature shots are lame now. I didn't have the inspiration to shake things up then. But now I've had my best idea so far and you are going to be the star of it! This shot is going to be different to all those others. When people look in the calendar, it is your image that will make them stop browsing."

Because they've had enough?" James asked.

"No! This is going to be great! Cas,make up please!"

"Sure thing!" said Cas, always standing by, ready with make up kit. "What do you want? Gritty?"

"I don't even have to tell you."

"Hold it!" said Roy, waving away an eager make up brush. "I haven't agreed. How about we do it on my bed, and I'm wearing handcuffs, since you appear to be going for some sort of bondage theme."

"You're not getting this at all. You are a liberal."

"No I'm just a regular socialist."

"You are justice personified. You are behind bars because the law isn't always just."

"I feel like justice should always triumph on satin fuschia sheets."

"Justice will triumph. That is why you will hold your head high, and your scales low."

"Oh, wouldn't it be funny if I did it like I'm caught in one of those prison searchlights, like on the cover of Wings' Band On The Run?"

Sigh. "Do you want to be a serious model slash actor one day?"

"It's my dream!"

"Then you have to be able to take on roles. The more you are prepared to smudge some lumpy eyeliner on you, the more agents will think you are brave. Then they will see how serious you are, and committed, if you wear some lumpy eyeliner and smudge your cheeks a bit. If you can be sexy in gritty make up in a setting like this, you can be sexy anywhere!"  
"Yes of course you are right. You can talk me into anything. Very well Cas! Make up please!"

Roy tossed off all his clothes. Cas opened her big make-up case and began to paint Roy in such a way to make him look like he had been in some rough but sexy prison fights. She took her time but it was well worth it.

"Alright," said Sirius. "Now it only remains for you to go stand behind the bars and, like, go nuts."

"Thank you," said Roy and lowered the scales more. "Do you want me to just improvise?"

"No. I want you to follow my instructions with the precision of a brain surgeon. Stand behind the bars. Hold that bar above your head."

"But it's stuck."

"No, grab it. Grab one of the bars above your head."

Roy looked up. Sirius looked down.

"I'll help," said James and went inside the cell to move Roy around like a mannequin. "Grab the bar..." He moved Roy's arm up, bent open his fingers and closed them around the bar. Then he let go, carefully like he was letting go of a house of cards. "No, stay."  
"OK so the position of the scales is fine," said Sirius. "You know what I'd like? A kind of lose hips pose, do you know what I mean? Because you're looking a bit stiff. Get your heads out of the gutter!"

"Lose hips pose, I got you babe!" said James and did his best to move Roy into such a pose.

"If I hadn't done all those trust exercises in drama group I would have found this weird," said Roy.

"I haven't done those exercises how do you think I feel?"

"Confused."

"Sure."

"And," said Sirius. "Relax those shoulders, please."

Well, James couldn't really relax for Roy. He pressed at his shoulders, but Roy just began to bend at the knees and wobble.

"You know how to relax your shoulders right?"

"Of course I do!"

"Good."

"I's like you think I'm some idiot."

"Can you relax your shoulders now?"

Roy drew a deep breath, and let out a suspiciously explosive puff. His shoulders sloped so much it messed up his entire pose.

"It is interesting how different people can interpret things differently," said Phil.

"Yeah I had no idea relax could mean collapse like a balloon."  
"Roy is quite clever, really. He just has a bit of difficulty with envisioning things, that's all. Always have since... the accident..."

"I know, why don't you just show him then and make him copy you?"

"I was going to suggest exactly that."

So Phil went and stood in front of the bars, before Roy.

"Just copy me!" he said and began to do an interpretative dance.

Eventually Roy managed to get a decent pose down and the shooting could finally commence.

"Ok action!" said Sirius. "You're a lemur! That pose is good. A suggestion, 'though."

"Hit me!"  
"No you'd just like it. Why are you smiling?"

"Why not?"

"No why?"

"Smile and the whole world smiles with you. Smile 'though your heart is breaking."

"Those are just lines from two songs."

"I am justice, correct? I smile because I know that I shall triumph, despite current circumstances being what they are."

"Yeah... This is a saucy calendar. I don't really get 'saucy' from the way you smile."

"No? Let me try to do it differently. How's this?"

"The only thing you changed was nothing."

"That can only mean it is now something."

"Now who's looking to pick a fight? I don't want to quarrel semi antiques with you. Can I ask that you do but one thing that I ask?"

"Of course!"  
"Close your mouth."

"Then how will I see?"

"Please?"

"Fine. No problem."

Somewhere, door hinges really needed oiling as Roy pushed his lips together. His cheeks went slightly red and he broke a bit of a sweat from the strain.

"Thanks. No don't-"

"You're welcome!"  
"Close your mouth."

"What _again?"_

"I just want to take one picture. Just one. It's going to be perfect on the first go."

It took such might to push his lips together that Roy's biceps began to swell. Sirius looked through the camera and realised he couldn't see a thing!

But then he realised he had only forgotten to take the lens cap off.

"Forgot this!"  
It took a second for him to remove it, a second longer than Roy was able to keep his mouth closed before it flew open like a jack in a box on rusty springs.

"So dark!"  
This was not going to work. They'd be here until after midnight and chance of success was nonexistent. They needed to think differently.

"Ok I'm going to have a quick meeting with the creative team. Please hold the pose."

Then Sirius turned to James and Remus.

"Ok team! What are we going to do with him?"

"How come we are only a team when you need help?" James asked.

So Sirius turned to Remus only.

"Ok team! What are we going to do with him?"

"I don't know like put a mouth fold on him?"

"Genious! And what about Roy? Oh I know! Another mouth fold!"  
Sirius turned back to Roy.

"Ok the creative team has had their meeting now! We just decided that to be really true to the mythology, you need to wear a mouth fold."

"Me wear a mouth fold?" Roy asked. "Being true to what mythology? I would have thought that, if anyhing, I might wear a blindfold."

"Look, can you just explain what the myth is, with the mouth fold?" Sirius asked Remus.

"I don't know any such myth," said Remus.

"But can you please explain it anyway?" Excessive winking.

"Oh, _that_ one. How did it go? You know, I don't really think it needs explaining. Libra isn't just a symbol of justice, it is also a symbol of truth."

"Aha!" said Sirius to Roy. "You're a symbol of truth as well, aren't you? If you're as clever as Phil claims, I really don't need to tell you what putting a fold over your mouth represents."

"Fine," said Roy. "You really should have just said it at the beginning. I could have brought my fuschia one. I really want to get out of here so I will just do whatever at this point. Where is the fold I will be wearing?"

"Patience."

Sirius turned to the spectator bunch and yelled at them.

"Ok anybody got something that can be used as a mouth fold? A rag or scarf or whatever?"

They all checked to see if they were wearing a scarf or keeping one on them. Somewhere among them, Fletcher blew his nose. Sirius reached in and pulled him out of the crowd.

"Awesome!"

Sirius asked Remus for tweezers. Remus would not spare him his tweezers, but he would spare him a paper bag to function as a glove.

"You weren't this bothered about that zombie head."

"Well I was setting an example."

Sirius threaded the paper bag over his hand, took Fletcher's hankie and presented it to Roy. He was well in his right to be absolutely disgusted. His smile really was wearing off already.

"I would rather eat a soup of quality street cooked in coca cola," he said.

"Ok I suppose we could arrange that I think I might have both."

"You shouldn't mistreat your favourite model this way. I know you want me in the calendar, I was the first person you asked."

"Hey, I was the first person he asked!" said James. "Right?"

"Look, you said you were so desperate to get out of here you'd do anything," said Sirius. "It's really not that gross. I mean, we'll clean it up."

Sirius gave the hankie to James, who gave it to Peter for scraping.

"God that is making me sick," said James. "What movie do you want to see next time?"

"Seriously guys!" said Fletcher. "As if rose water runs from your noses when you have the flu."

"Well the bits I could get off, they're gone now," said Peter after some scraping and picking.

"I might have some wound clean and desinfectant that could take away everything," said Remus. "I also have a clean rag, do you want to see it?"

"No because it's probably pink but we'll take the wound clean and other thing," said Sirius.

"So what?"

"Well he said fuschia he'll never allow it."

They poured a good deal of wound clean and desinfectant on the hankie and lo, turned out the combination was also an effective hankie cleaner. There was no stain remaining, perhaps the only complaint to be made was that it smelled like a hospital.

"Fletch I see you got chanel excellent!" said Sirius, taking the chanel spray from Fletch, spraying it on the hankie and presenting the final product to Roy. Roy had a look, had a smell and accepted it, especially praising the undertones of dentist hands. He put it over his mouth and tied it at the back. Then he toppled backwards, having passed out.

"What _now?!"  
_ "That wasn't chanel," said Fletcher. "That was chloroform."

"Why do you have chloroform?"

"Sometimes a guy gets lonely."


	10. Chapter 10

PEANUT ACTUALLY

PART 10

The Scorpio shoot followed the Libra shoot. A chap called Sanjeev suggested they'd go to the Hogsmead Terrarium where he could lie in the glass case with all the scorpions with some scorpionic markings painted on his body. Since nobody else had any other idea besides wear papier mache pincers, he got his way.

Then the turn came to the most anticipated shooting of the entire calendar; the Mr December shoot.

James was just finishing his turn on the wizard pinball machine, and Sirius took over.

"What if you were a saucy elf?" James suggested. "Because December is the month of Yule, you really should go for a Yule thing."

"You haven't paid attention at all," said Sirius. "Where's the mythology? Where's the backstory?"

"I know you've been drawing a lot from mythology and backstory. But it's December! People expect, nay, want a Yule thing! What if you sit on a reindeer weilding a bow and arrow?"

"Look this is one shoot than I can rightfully call my own and I am not doing a saucy elf that is so kitsch, like all your ideas."

"Oh it's your shoot, because you're the model? Weird how that didn't seem to apply to me."

"Hey you got your way in the end!"

"Oh thank you my Lord and master!"

"You're welcome."

"I didn't really get my way. You just changed the story a bit, not the image."  
"You didn't care about the art, you just cared about your ego."

"I did not care about my ego. I cared about the backstory. I wanted to give the backstory the people wants! And also, I wanted the image to actually tell that story!"

"Nobody wants that story!"

"Yes they do! And even if I did 'get my way', it was only on your mercy, and not because you respect my opinion."

"I have to put the picture first."

"Even though I'm the Gemini it didn't really feel like _my_ shoot."

"That's good because there is no I in Gemini!"  
"There's also no Sirius in Sagittarius!"  
"I know there are some holly bushes very near the riding center," said Remus.

"Holly bushes, great! Two in one, now there's a way to incorporate some yule. Let's go and do it there," said Sirius and dashed off.

"I'll just stay here then, while you go and do it there," James muttered.

After dinner, when night began to fall, the entire calendar crew as well as supporters all magi-transported themselves by wands to the road between the riding center and forest in South Mead. From there they followed a path in the forest to the holly bushes.

Sirius was an incredibly, incredibly posh chap. As a posh little lad he had been forced to undertake a lot of very posh activities, such as playing the piano, learning classic languages, squib trapping, what fork was used for what and, more importantly, horseback riding and wizard archery.

He could have just borrowed a horse from the riding center. But instead, when they had all reached their destination, he merely excused himself, magi-transported himself to the place he called his adress, and returned within twenty minutes with a neighing catchy-ball, as well as a bow and plastic arrow.

"Sorry I took so long," he said and unleashed a horse from the catchy-ball.

It was a very impressive looking steed, large, muscular and entirely white.

"Nice," said James. "I can see you won't settle for anything but the best."

"Well you know me. Ok guys, if you're easily offended you better look away because I'm going to take all my clothes off now before I get my bare backside on Swift Adie."

"Swift Adie, what a nice name."

"It's short for Adolf."

The horse had red eyes. James wondered if it came from a particularily evil line of horse.

So with one swift wand movement, Sirius was stripped to his bare necessities. He was already in full make-up, his hair was a little messy to give that wind-tangled look, and he was wearing a holly wreath over it. Out of his clothes, he soon found that the supporters had moved past the assigned boundary line and were now attacking him with camera flashes, some of which got in his eyes.

"Back off!"

Some of the most persistent supporters had to be threatened with various curses before they would get behind the boundary line again.

"Unbelieavable. I'm not your toy."

"Well don't you think you're asking for it?" James asked.

"No means no, don't you remember Pomfrey's seminar?"

"But you're so very naked."

It was getting quite dark now. The first snow had yet to fall, yet the berry carrying hollies were already covered in frost. Little lanterns flew about them, providing just enough light.

"Ok we've finished misting the hollies with eau du winter frost," said Remus. "Do you want to know what attracts luminous fairies?"

"Tea and honey?" Sirius asked.

"No. Let's just say it starts with a B...and ends with UM..."

"Bums? A bit crass of you."

"Not bums! Bubblegum."

"Sorry I can't hear you I don't listen to homophobes."

The scenery was set, the camera mounted on the tripod. Sirius hopped up on the horse and sat sidesaddle, the horse's head making sure this shoot wasn't going to be too saucy.

"Can you pass me Eridan the Halfling Cleaver? It's the bow there. It's my mums."  
James fetched the bow and arrow. It was a nice looking bow, crafted in some kind of very dark wood.

"Nice. Walnut?"

"Polypropylene."

"Was it really necessary to use _this_ bow? There are those that might be offended by the name."  
"I'm going to sit on it afterwards and I want you to take pictures."  
"It's like you want to be killed."

"Well if they're going to talk the talk..."

He took the pose he wanted. James positioned himself behind the camera and removed the lens cap.

"Ok try and make yourself as pretty as you can! Just give it your best and remember, everybody is beautiful on the _inside!"  
_ James was looking through the camera now. There was Sirius on the horse, wearing a holly wreath over his hair, dat hair, while pointing the arrow camera ways. Dat hair. He had splodges of nature colours here and there on his body, to represent some sort of camouflage. His hair flowed in the wind, his eyes sparkled. He looked like a beautiful male nature nymph of sorts. James just got so lost in the sheer beauty and also dat hair that oxygen stopped flowing to his brain and he fainted.

He didn't know he had fainted until Remus had to slap him back.

"What's going on with you?"

"I don't know. Must be coming down with something I guess."

"This shouldn't take long at all. Quality Street?"

"So many to choose from..."

"Take the tin."

"One day this tin is going to be worth a lot of money I bet. Anyway, you better take the picture. The settings are all there. All you have to do is take the pictures."

Remus had taken pictures before, he knew how to take some pictures. He went up to the camera and looked through it, saw that it was all fine. He knew that this camera also captured some movement. So it would catch the sparkle in Sirius's mother-of-pearl eyes, the wind in his hair, the glitter on his perfect skin, the grey freckles that really resembled those of the centaurs, those really brought out his irides. The faint glow of the luminous fairies cast a bright outline around his slender body. Then everything went dark.

Thud.

It fell on James to slap Remus back this time.

"What happened to you?"

"I don't know. It's like my knees just gave up."

Several people in the crew and audience offered to take the pictures, all of them found that their knees lost the will to support their bodies.

"What's wrong with you all?!" Sirius demanded. "Is it that ghost again?"

"I don't know," said James. "Did you do something?"

"Do what?"

"I don't know. It's just that I don't normally pass out around you all the time. I was wondering if you had, I don't know, switched something on."

"Switched something on?"

"Well you know those fair French folk that are just totally irresistible, and how you have some of that in you? Well I sometimes wonder, is there an offswitch for that? Must be inconvenient and annoying, to have people just constantly pass out around you."

"I always have it off. But you said: make yourself pretty. So I thought, maybe I'd switch it on for the photoshoot, what harm can it do?"

"Oh none I suppose..." Thud. Then James regained consciousness and got up again, the back of his head hurting. "Can you switch it off again, please?"

"Sure thing. Wait a minute. Did I just make you faint?"

"Pfft! Of course you didn't make me faint! In your dreams!" Thud. "I thought you had switched it off!"  
"I did switch it off."


	11. Chapter 11

PEANUT ACTUALLY

PART 11

Next a chap called Amir agreed to lie on a very wet and windy beach wearing a fishtail and goat horns. The Aquarius shoot continued the tradition of stereotyping; Phil sat on the side of a well, pouring water over him from an amfora. After that only one shoot remained, the March one. And Sirius had never filled that slot on his list. He and James were outside smoking and eating some left over pie.

"And you'll even be needing two models, will you not?" James asked.

"Hold on will I be needing _two?"_

"Yeah! It's plural! _Pi-sces!_ Where my pie go? _"_

"I wasn't finished with mine."

"I feel like we've done so many aquatic ones and watery ones, especially after Amir and Phil."

"We'll just use a different location. Will I really need two? How has that escaped me this whole time?"

"I'd sure like to know the backstory to this one. Did Zeus become a fish and mate with another fish or what?"

"I sure hope so but let's ask Rora to confirm it."

They finished their fags, stomped them out and went to find Rora, resident Astrology expert.

Rora could often be found in a chamber, not unlike the divination one, under the observatory. There she would do her sidereal calculations for horoscopes when she wasn't refusing giving out dating advice.

"That is not what astrology is about," she said. "I don't tell people what signs 'belong together'."

"That must be why you're alone so much," said Sirius.

"So what's in store for a gemini?" James asked. "Any parties?"

"I knew you were going to come here. I suppose it has to do with that calendar?"

"Yeah I need to sort out one thing that's really been puzzling me," said Sirius.

"What is it?"

"Is pisces really two people?"

"I don't even understand that question."

"Is it like gemini, except with fish?"

"I guess so, yeah. Those are the two dual signs of the zodiac. It's represented by a pair of fish. Or a kind of fish centaur, if you like."

"Dual signs, huh?" said James. "Are they the best fighters?"

"Du- _al!"_

"I _heard_ you the _first_ time!"

"The Greek saw the two ichthyocentaurs, Aphros and Bythos. They rolled the shell, out of which Aphrodite appeared, out of the sea. That's why they were put on the night sky."  
"Oh right."  
"I don't know if you know this, but we are actually currently living in the age of pisces."  
"No way I thought we were living in the age of aquarius age of aquarius," said Sirius.

"No. That song is just about the future age of aquarius. It won't happen for another 60 years or so."  
"Why are hippies so keen on this age of aquarius?"

"It will be an age characterised by harmony and understanding, sympathy and trust abounding."

"What characterises the age of pisces then?"

"Total bonkers."  
"Well Rora, you have taught me that maybe astrology isn't so full of crap after all. But I think I better get a move on, find me some models. Can you tell me what they are like, so I know who to ask?"

"Look, that is just another one of those new age inventions. You can't tell what sign a person is just by a couple of traits they are showing. Every adventurous person isn't an Aries and all Aries folk aren't adventurous. It is far more sophisticated than that."

"You're a pisce aren't you?"

"Strictly speaking there's not even such a thing."

"Itchy centaur, whatever!"  
"Have you included Ophiuchus and Cetus in your calendar?"

"No because that's a roman myth."

The table at which Rora sat was full of horoscopes. Sirius found his.

" _'You will find a solution at the pong machine'._ Somewhere among these horoscopes, somebody is going to meet a tall dark wizard at a pong machine."

"Maybe its mine," said James and found his. " _'You will rig a pong machine._ Typical horoscope, not even close!"

"Actually that's yesterday's horoscope," said Rora.

"How did you know I rigged... I didn't rig a pong machine last night!"

"I don't know. The stars know."

" _'You will stick a peanut in all the quality street',"_ said Sirius. "How detailed are these?"

"Extremely detailed." 

James and Dumbledore, no, Sirius put up a notice, signed with their names, saying: Fish wizard wanted for saucy calendar, please contact us for details.

"This should get us a few baits!" said James, smiling with glee.

Sirius tried to come up with a fish related pun to counter with, but his mind blanked out on him this time.

"Trout...salmon..."

"Well while you think, let's go play pong."

"Sorry what?"

"Nuh uh."

"I couldn't hear you, because... I'm hard of herring."

"Padfoot you're better than that!"  
"I know..."

They went to the chamber of leisure, told a couple of grade 3 wizards to scram, and then they took over the pong machine. As soon as they had done so, they got their first bait. All of a sudden Phil's sister Xylophona was watching them play pong, and she didn't normally do that.

"Excuse me," she said. "I saw the notice you put up, fish wizard wanted for saucy calendar? I was born in March, and I'm a pisce as well."

"Sorry," said James. "Should have made it clear. The calendar is blokes only."

"But I am a bloke."

"Really? Have you just been disguising yourself like some girls do to get into the Japanese all-wizard school Neko Senshi Kitsune Moon Prism Magical Shounen Ai? Except the reverse."

"People often mistake me for a girl," said Xylophona. "But I don't disguise myself. I am a trans-bloke."

"What is that, like a guru?"

"It is a bloke that is actually a bloke."  
James turned to Sirius. "Is she having us on?"

"Look," said Sirius. "Whatever you are... This calendar is only concerned with a person's physical gender."

"I understand that," said Xylophona. "I am not just a trans-bloke. I am also a gender-fluid. That means I am sometimes a trans-girl. It's what I am now."  
"I thought you said you were a trans-bloke."

"Now you lost me."  
"What is a gender-fluid but mind there are kids eaves dropping on us."

"I can show you!"  
Xylophona melted into a puddle like the wicked witches in West Diagon Alley did when it rained on them. When she re-assembled herself, she looked a lot more like Phil than Phil's sister-counterpart.

"Aren't you and Phil twins?" James asked.

"Yes.

"Then how come you don't have the same birth month?"

"We're only half-twins."

"Well... I guess you're in."

"Thank you for accepting me. And can I say, just to clear up any confusion, that you may still adress me as Xylophona and use the gender pronoun she, even if I may not look it."

"Ok."

"I have two questions I'd like to ask," said Sirius. "The first one is: do you practice any religion?"

"Yes I practice Islam," Xylophona replied.

"Alright like Cat Stevens. My second question is, and I like to ask everybody this: why do you care about peanuts?"

"I've had peanuts. I know the pain of losing a peanut, the feeling of helplessness." Xylophona reached into her pocket and fished out a peanut. "I couldn't save it."

Then she stuck it in her mouth.

"I also just like peanuts. It's in my list of top legumes."

"I'm just surprised at how many are keeping dwarf rabbits around here," said James.

"Well you know what bunnies are like. They're not hard to come by."


	12. Chapter 12

PEANUT ACTUALLY

PART 12

The final shoot still remained and Sirius was still one model short. He could easily take anybody, but he just wanted to ask one last time.

"After all," said Sirius, as he and James were walking down a leafy path in a yellow and red forest, "People do sometimes say no, when they mean yes."

"Fact."

"Everybody who's been in it say it was some of the most fun they've ever had. That it really boosted their confidence."

"I know it did for me," said James. "Before the shoot I had very low self-esteem. Now look at me!"

"There you go then."

"I know my rock hard buttocks are ok!"

"That is creepy, that you have a pair of extra buttocks somewhere."  
"Yeah in my pants."

"Then who's rock hard buttocks am I wearing?"

"If you ask me, this is about body image issues."

"And if you ask me, I'd say the same."

"So you must be very delicate."

"I'm always delicate!"  
"And not make any jokes!"  
"I never make jokes!"  
They were going to the big swamp.

"Here's the big swamp now!" said James.

The big swamp was a dangerous place. The trees looked murky and had claw like branches that could reach out and trap the unsuspecting. Here lurked many sinister creatures, many of which were known to glow like beautiful fairies and produce alluring sounds to drown those not wearing earmuffs.

Remus loved the big swamp so much he was trying to merge with it now. So great was his love for the big swamp he'd probably marry it if priests would marry swamps and werewolves. But alas, things hadn't progressed quite so far for the werekind.

James and Sirius very nearly didn't see him, because he was up to his nose in swamp. Sirius found a large branch and reached out with it, so Remus could get out of the swamp.

"Sorry to spoil your honeysun. Or were you actually trying to drown yourself?"

Back on solid ground, Remus was a very swampy sight indeed.

"I was trying to follow this sound."

"What no earmuffs?"

"If I was wearing earmuffs, how would I be able to follow the sound? It is known as the collector's conundrum."  
"No it isn't."

"Nah. The fairies nicked my bubblegum. So what's the news on the last shooting? Got a model yet?"

"No still waiting for you to change your mind. Come on everyone is in it! Everyone that counts."

"That means a lot. But I can't."

"Why not? We can talk about this."

"Look I just can't."

"Shame."

"For what it's worth," said James. "I completely get you. I've always been very self-conscious as you know."

"Oh really? What about?" Remus asked.

"Thank you for asking! About my body!"

"I'm sorry I asked..."

"Things like... Is it _too_ big?"

"Is your body too big?"

"Not my body! My yoo-hoo. Is my yoo-hoo too big? Is my torso too well toned? Will people be jealous of me and hate me for it?"

"Right."

"A vicious piranha once bit me," said Sirius. "And they leave terrible scars! Look at the tip of my finger there!"  
"Mhm. You should try some scar-wipe."

"Should I? I guess I could. But I'm not going to, because I think my scar is beautiful. It tells a story! Just like you are beautiful no matter what you might look like under there!"  
"Ok then..."

"If you have any huge hideous scars that is fine! That is beautiful!"  
"I don't have any huge hideous scars."

"No because they are beautiful and medium!"  
"Where would I have aquired scars like that?"

"Sprout's cloudberry bushes where else? Where do _you_ think _I_ think you would have aquired scars like that?"  
"Is this what you think this is about? Do you think I don't want to be in your calendar because of body image issues?"

"Look it doesn't just affect girls. All teenagers experience it at some point. It just means you are becoming a man."

"You haven't even adressed the most obvious issue once!"  
"Well I was trying to be delicate. You're a werewaffle."

"Not _that!_ God it's like you only see me as one thing!"  
"Well it's the only obvious... _non-_ issue I can think of!"  
"Ugh just come with me."

The chaps were going back to Hogwarts. On the way, James kept listing things about his body he was self-conscious about.

"Then there's my thighs. Are they too firm? Then there's my calfs. Are they too rock hard?"

Sirius was quite body conscious as well.

"I sometimes worry that I am simply _too_ beautiful. I mean, with other good looking people, there is always some feature that isn't so attractive. But when combined with the rest, it just works. But if everything is perfect, nose, chin etc, then the face just risks coming across as slightly off. Unnatural. Fake. The only real beauty is near beauty."

"Cheer up. Since you're so fake and off looking, you're not attractive at all! I've just been asking everybody to pretend. Hey you had to find out someday, we can't keep up the act forever."  
"That was some amazing pretend fainting you all displayed."

"That wasn't pretend. You were just so ugly our brains were losing oxygen trying to process it."

They entred the hall of mirrors. It was full of mirrors. It was also a hall.

"Here's a hall I haven't set my foot in for a long time," said James.

"Notice anything?" Remus asked.

"Is one of my eyes slightly bigger, or have I just been staring at it for too long?" Sirius asked.

"Anything else?"

"Yeah Padfoot does look slightly off," said James.

"The jelly fish called," said Sirius, miming a telephone. "They'd like to speak to their king, which is you."

"Hello who is it? Oh hi Sir Nick! Are you mad because you want to be the only death pale aristocat around here who's face is slightly off?"

"Prongs will you stop wasting our time because I think Moony brought us here for a reason."

"It must have been for the usual reason then, which is to abandon us in an illusory place that is really difficult to find a way out of."

"Oi where did he go?"

"I'm right here," said Remus. He had been standing behind them.

"Oh there you are. I've always wondered what the point of this place is."

"I forgot about these funfair mirrors" said James, running along the mirrors now. "Here's the one that makes you really tall!" His head hit the ceiling. "And here's the one that makes you short and wide!" He shrunk to a height of 60 cm and popped several buttons. "Now I'm an accordion!"  
He struck a few French sounding chords.

"Hey look at me I am upside down!" said Sirius, who was now upside down.

When the childhood nostalgia had worn off, they found a mirror that would turn them back to normal.

"I don't suppose there's a mirror that enhances ones appearance," said James.

"Are you serious?"

"What are you saying I already am beautiful and that I don't need such a mirror?"

"No I'm saying that you should know that if there was such a mirror here, everybody would know of it."  
"I don't think I look bad at all. There are just a few things I'd like to correct, so I don't look so slightly off."

"There you go making everything about you as usual. Now Moony got so bored he really left us this time."

"What he really left this time? I can't even tell where the exit is."

They began to look for a way out, but they just kept bumping into more mirrors. James rubbed his.

"Ow my sweet nose..."

"Are you ok?" Remus asked.

"What is this wizardry Dumbledore's been teaching you? I can't see you in any of the mirrors."

"Well that is just the thing. I don't show up in mirrors and I don't show up on film either."

"Why couldn't we go to a bathroom mirror?" Sirius asked.

"It just didn't seem as punchy."

"We could have brought punch."

"Wow," said James. "Another one of those things you never mentioned."

"I really though you knew," said Remus. "Haven't you noticed that I'm not in any of the class photos?"

"Sure. But I just figured you were camera shy or there was a full gibbon."

"But don't you remember me being there for the class photo?"

"Sure. But I just figured you were camera shy or there was a full gibbon."

"Remember one time you wanted us all to paint our faces with invisibility ink? Then we all got invisibility ink in our eyes? We had to go to Pomfrey. But we couldn't see anything, because everything was invisible? So we wound up walking onto a luxury yacht down at the Hogsmead dock and boat down to a tropical island where I was made King of all the Blind Folk?"

"I remember all that," said Sirius. "If you don't show up in mirrors, how do you shave?"

"How do blind people shave?"

"Hilariously, I bet they just wind up shaving their pets and fur hats."

"You'd like that wouldn't you."

"Now when you said my cat needed to have his appendix removed..."

"Well there you have it. I hope it's all been cleared up now."

"So how is it you don't show up in mirrors then?" James asked.

"That's because I don't have a soul."

"You don't have a soul? Come on now, surely nobody has more soul than you! Not the kind of soul african americans have, but a soul nonetheless."

"Yeah that just can't be true," said Sirius. "People without souls are evil. What you have is a beautiful soul of beauty and goodness."

"That's nice," said Remus. "But that's just how it is."

"Wow that is a non-issue. What if we were to paint you in visibility ink?"

It was worth a shot.


	13. Chapter 13

PEANUT ACTUALLY

PART 13

At last that final shoot could be taken. Remus and Xylophona sparkled like a pair of figure skating disco trouts in the pool. A lot of glitter was used. But it was ok, no fish were harmed because it was edible glitter.

After that, Beau Marceau of the school paper Hog News, and Phil of the alternative school paper Not The Mainstream Media, teamed up to get the films developed, printed into several copies and bound into the final products- one thousand saucy calendars.

They all sold like hot cakes. But they didn't make nearly enough money to pay for that peanut elixir.

"How much did we make?" James asked, when he and the chaps had just returned from their final Hogsmead sales round.

"2000 wizard pounds," Sirius replied.

"And how much did we need?"

"8 millions"  
"Well I guess we better print some more calendars then."  
"Face it, Prongs! A saucy calendar can't raise the money we need!"  
"This was your idea."

"Well I've done it now, and now I'm bored."  
"Typical you, just wanting to do a saucy calendar. You never cared about the peanuts."

"I cared about that peanut that Moony showed me. How is that peanut doing?"

"It died months ago," said Remus.

"See?"

"There are other peanuts," said James.

"I know. But the money just isn't in calendars."

"Tell me then, where is the money?"

"The money is in saucy shows. Face it chaps, we really need to drop our pants for real this time, and in front of a live all-women audience, and we will do so to the song Come Up And See Me. One night only! Prongs, I know you're game, but are you also on board with my idea?"

"You know it!"

"Excellent! And I trust that Moo is on board as well and will need no convincing?"

"You know I don't need any convincing," said Remus.

"Awesome, I knew you'd be on board as well."  
"No. And I really don't think there can be that much money in saucy shows."  
"Of course there is."

"You're trying to raise 800 millions. The price of one ticket alone-"  
"1 million."

"Right. So for one night only, you'd need a really big arena-"

"Wembley Stadium."  
"How many seats are there?"

"750"

"And your price per ticket was?"

"1,5 millions"  
"Sorry, but I just don't believe you are being serious anymore, if you ever were."

"I am being serious. "

"You'll never make 800 millions from a saucy show."

"So you're just giving up, is that it?"

"No I'll just do something else."


	14. Chapter 14

PEANUT ACTUALLY

PART 14

It was a rainy evening. Remus was walking down some street in Hogsmead after having vended some of his blood to the local vampires. That wasn't how he was going to raise the peanut money, that was just how he got the pocket money. And good it was too, that piggy bank was really growing.

No, no. He didn't really have an idea yet. But he was about to have one.

He was passing Trev's Telly Shop of Tellies, which had lots of tellies in the window currently airing Top of the Pops.

The shop was closed but the tellies were still on and he could hear them, if very faintly. The Bay City Rollers performing their hit cover song I Only Want To Be With You.

And that was how he came to have his big idea. If he could record his own cover, and have it be a big hit, money would flow to the peanut fund for eternities to come!

If only he just knew where to start...

So while Remus went and found himself a struggling agent looking for his first big hit sensation, James and Sirius informed all the chaps from the calendar about the show (sans Reggie) they were planning and asked them if they wanted to be in it. They all wanted it desperately, so great was their passion for legumes. And peanuts.

They couldn't get permission to play Wembley so they would just have to settle for the abandoned roller rink, which had only 200 seats. They definitely needed to raise the ticket price. James and Sirius were doing all the necessary maths now.

"Padfoot I have to ask," said James. "Just how are you going to get anybody to pay 4 millions for a ticket to see our saucy show? It didn't cost 1 million to see the Beatles!"  
"How do you know? I'm sure they could have charged 4 millions per ticket."

"I think there are probably regulations."

"The Beatles is a thing of the past. Maybe I just think we are bigger than The Beatles."

"That is quite a provocative statement to make you know. Bigger than cheeses maybe."

"All we are doing is we are selling a product, and we are selling it to the people who are willing to pay at least a million for it. Disgustingly rich witches! Trappped in their unsatisfying luxury marriages, looking for a bit of fun."

"I think they'd just rather do drugs and hire a pool keeper, that would cost them less."

"Unsatisfied luxury wives with a passion for peanuts. Or dwarf lops. Grooming a dwarf lop and entering it in a show is not cheap. Bribing the judges is also not cheap."

"Were you planning to find 200 bored luxury women who enter their dwarf lops in shows and bribe judges in Hogsmead alone?"

"You keep complaining I'm a dictator, I was counting on a team effort."

"There are roughly 700 people living in Hogsmead and they're all farmers, not luxury wives."

"Fine. I guess I'll just have to get myself hired as a pool keeper then."

"Do you want me to come with you to the chamber of the telephone?"

"Is Professor McGonagall's favourite band The Bay City Rollers?"


	15. Chapter 15

PEANUT ACTUALLY

PART 15

It came to pass that Sirius phoned up the chairman of the Luxury Dwarf Lops Organisation, Madame Camilla Eaton-Woodlice and got himself hired as the weekend pool keeper at the Eaton-Woodlice manor in Helgravia, Diagon Alley. On Saturday at two, he rang the door bell to the manor. The butler let him in, provided him with a telescoping pole and showed him to the pool.

Having no clue what he needed a telescope for, Sirius tossed it away, hopped in a deck chair and turned on his transistor-crystal. He liked to have it on when he was reading. This was stupidly easy money, he thought as he looked for a radio channel with good reception. Pool keeping, what a scam! Where was the pool going to go?

Madame Camilla Eaton-Woodlice was not just the chairman of the LDLO, she was also the famous author of the hit bondage romance series _Fifty White Lies_. When Sirius had been chilling for about half an hour she came by to see how he was doing.

"How's it going?" she asked, wearing a losely tied evening gown.

"Sorry what?" Sirius took the headphones from his ears and closed _Fifty White Lies- Grey Areas._

"I asked how is it going?"

"Oh great. Pool's still here."  
"Right. You said you had kept lots of pools..."

"No pool has ever been unkept on my watch."

Camilla looked at him in such a way he actually began to fear he was going to be fired already. He got out of the deck chair.

"Look at you. You don't need to keep any pools," said Camilla.

"But I don't mind doing it."

"You were just looking for some fun times with a lonely mature woman with generous curves weren't you?"

She pushed him up against the wall. He broke free.

"Mrs Eaton-Woodlice, please! What kind of chap do you take me for?"

"Come here and I'll show you where I want to take you for!"  
"There has been a terrible misunderstanding. I am not that sort of chap at all. I like to get to know someone before I take them for anything."

"Then why on earth did you spend 40 minutes on phone trying to convince me I really needed a pool keeper, and then made me call all your previous employers, like Lady Worcester-Sauce-Potter or Lady Potter-James Marmite, or Lady Stags-Antler-Upon-Blind-as-a-Bat-"

"They were all happy with my pool keeping. They told you that, right? If you feel there is something I can improve on..."

"I'd like to improve myself on you. Come on, everybody knows that chaps getting themselves hired as pool keepers are only after one thing."

"Lady Quidditch-Shut-Up never made such inappropriate advances."

"Oh really? Because Lady Broom Varnish-Sniffings went into great detail about what a fantastic pool keeper slash hot lover you were."

Sirius had completely lost sight of his secret agenda. He needed to steer things where he wanted them now.

"Mrs Eaton-Bats-"

"Eaton-Woodlice. But call me Camilla."

"I know you are the chairman of the Luxury Dwarf Lops Organisation. The thing is, I am trying to raise money for peanuts. Me and some friends are putting up a saucy show. But the ticket price isn't going to be cheap, because we are trying to raise 800 millions after all. I thought that you might want to support our cause. The ticket price is 1 million. You could tell your rich friends. You know who's rich and who cares about peanuts. Please. Just take all the tickets and sell them for me?"

Sirius tried to hand her a bag of tickets. Camilla agreed to help him, on the condition that he'd help her method-write a chapter she was working on.


	16. Chapter 16

PEANUT ACTUALLY

PART 16

As soon as time provided some free time, all the calendar chaps gathered in the abandoned roller rink for their first rehearsal of The Saucy Show. Remus was there as well, but as he wasn't part of the cast he got to mind the record player. Peter wasn't part of the cast either, so he got to mind the biscuit tin. They sat in the judge's seats, while the rest of the chaps were lined up on the rink.

"Ok guys, glad to see you all showing up for our first rehearsal of The Saucy Show," said Sirius.

"I just want to say thank you for inviting me!" said Phil. "The legumes will be a thing of the past!"

"Do you mean peanuts?"

"I just really don't like beans."

Great shock washed over the rest of the cast and they wondered if he wouldn't even have them on toast? He wouldn't even have them on toast!

"But that's like great proteins I saw on a science!" said James.

Phil shrugged and the subject was dropped.

"When the music starts," said Sirius, "just follow my lead, ok? I will show you the dance. OK CUE MUSIC!"

Remus got the record going (The Stripper by David Rose) and Sirius demonstrated the dance by kicking his legs across and slowly removing articles of clothing, starting by sensually shaking off his jacket, whirling it and throwing it in James's face.

The other chaps followed his example. The dance basically consisted of: kicking legs across while slowly removing an article of clothing, jump around 90 degrees, remove another article of clothing. When they had their backs to the audience, they wiggled their backsides, removed another article of clothing, jumped around another 90 degrees. When a full circle had been made, the dance was to continue in that exact manner, either for the duration of the song or until no articles of clothing remained.

"It feels like I'm great so I must be!" said Fletcher and toppled over trying to take his shoe off.

Removing all clothing took less than a minute, and the music would go on for over another.

"Well now what?" Roy asked.

"I want to know how long the show is going to be," said Sanjeev.

"I thought we were going to strip to Come Up And See Me," said Xylophona.

"Shut up everybody shut up," said Sirius. "Don't move don't speak your faces are putting me off."

"Rude."

"You're the one who's face is off," said James.

"Isn't this what a strip show is?" Sirius asked. "You take your clothes off to some music and that's it?"

"It's going to be a very short show then. Or we're doing it too fast."  
"Maybe we just need to keep dancing," said Roy. "Maybe we need to tease more and wear fire helmets and be like uh oh what have I got under my helmet?"

"Aren't we dancing to Come Up And See Me?" James asked.

"Look," said Sirius. "It's definitely too short. It's a show, after all, it needs to be 20 minutes at least. What if, after the opening number, we all do a solo act? And then we finish with Come Up And See Me?"

Great idea, everyone said and began to shout their own solo act ideas over one another.


	17. Chapter 17

PEANUT ACTUALLY

PART 17

It wasn't long before James and Sirius were putting up posters advertising their show allover Hogsmead. Kind of pointless, considering it was millionaire luxury women only and they had no tickets to sell, because Sirius had given them all to Camilla to sell to other women like her. It was mostly for show, nay, it was entirely for show. They even carried around a roll of SOLD OUT tickets that they stuck on all the posters, just to create that extra buzz. And it wasn't impossible for a non-luxury millionaire woman to get a peek, because the abandoned roller rink had large windows.

"Ok I think that was the last one!" said James. "How much ticket money has been raised so far?"

"About three million," said Sirius.

"Great, just 197 tickets to go then!"

The tickets weren't going to generate the 800 millions, but Sirius was hoping for a generous tip. On film, strippers always recieved a lt of tip.  
They were standing outside Trev's Telly Shop of Tellies, where they had just put up the last of their posters. The window was full of tellies that were always airing Top of the Pops. The glam rock band Mud were performing their groovy song Shake It Down, which could be heard through the glass. Sirius's head was bopping with approval. James was confused.

"I don't understand," he said. "I thought Mud was a glamrock band."

"It is."

"Well the sound of glamrock sure has changed since Tigerfeet!"  
"No mate, this is disco!"  
"But...isn't Mud a glamrock band?"

"Look, all bands aren't restricted to one genre. Have you not even heard Bohemian Rhapsody?"

"Of course I have heard the best song of all time but that's different."

"How is it?"

"Opera is high culture. Disco is...supeficial sell-out stuff. Not real music."

"Then why is your butt shaking to the rhytm?"

"I don't know. I'm so confused."

"I've never taken you for a rock music purist. The only Led Zep song you know is Stairway To Heaven, and you haven't even listened to the whole thing because you get bored."

"But I know it's great. because everybody says so."

"Who is everybody?"

"The guys on the team. This isn't being progressive. This is turning to mainstream pop to please the masses. Sickens me."

"Then why are you doing the hustle?"

"I didn't even know I knew how to do the hustle!"  
"You're right! This is perfectly hustlable!"  
They had only just started hustling away in the middle of an unbusy street when the song was over and the next one was presented.

" _And now,"_ said the presenter, " _here is Pinocchio covering Dodie Steven's Pink Shoelaces."_

The camera cut to the artist on stage, a young chap wearing teapot sunnies, a lot of face paint and crazy wide flares.

"Well somebody is ripping off the Bay City Rollers," said Sirius.

"Is it cool to like The Bay City Rollers or is it a bit like liking The Osmonds?"

"Well I don't know. I haven't listened much to either. I would say the Osmonds are probably better at being pop than The BCR are at being glam. Sure they may be just a white-washed mormon Jackson 5, but no elitist Led Zep humping radio twat in a Stones t shirt is going to tell me what I can and can not like!"

They began to harmonise I'm Still Gonna Need You, and do the moves. A passing old lady dropped them a few shillings. Then they turned back to all those tellies.

"He's never going to last," said Sirius. "There's just too many acts covering old songs from the '50s"

"Hey does he look familiar to you?"

"No."

"Not to me either. I just like to ask people if somebody looks familiar to them."


	18. Chapter 18

PEANUT ACTUALLY

PART 18

The date of the show had been set to Saturday November 20. By the week before that, all the tickets had been sold and it only remained to hand in the money to the Peanut Fund.

"Well Padfoot," said James, when he and Sirius toasted the success with some punch in the dorm. "You said you'd do it, and you did it."

"We did it."

"You had the fate and the drive."

"You went into some graphic detail about my gift of pleasuring."

"It was easy. All I did was think of myself."

"That is fine, if you had to think about pleasuring yourself."

"Still. 200 tickets, 4 millions a piece. And people from across the globe are actually asking us to do more nights I mean what is this? We haven't even done one and it's only charity!"

"I suppose Roy really isn't as dim as he is blonde sometimes. You know how his solo act is a rude dentist sketch involving a dummy called Pinocchio? I said he couldn't add that to the posters, but he just went ahead and made Phil do it anyway. It was also his idea to call his dummy a celebrity, and put that on the posters to make the tickets sell better. And they did. People will flood to anything if there is a celebrity, doesn't even matter if they know who it is."

The door to the dorm opened, in came Remus wearing large sunglasses, a baggy cap and a lot of face paint. Beneath his mustard duffel coat he wore an outfit that was very unusual for him; impractically wide flares and a top with a lot of sequins. He tossed the coat on his bed, went to the bathroom, washed off his face and changed into his normal un-glammy clothes. The glammy clothes he put in a bag, gaffa taped it and fed it to the dark creature under his bed.

"Where you been?" James asked.

"Oh, just appeared on radio and afterwards I had to get hold of these cyanide pills."

"Cool. What for?"

"It was Radio Sound Effects, the Boom Crash Honk Show. I was contractually obliged to appear there."

"I feel like I've missed something."

"Well, it's nothing special, I just went and recorded a cover and appeared on Top of the Pops just to have a hit single so all the hit single money could go to the peanut fund."

"When were you on top of the pops?" Sirius asked.

"Weeks ago."

"But why- forget it, it's recorded."

"What's the cyanide for?" James asked.

"I'm going to use them to kill myself," said Remus.

"Woah now! Are you not feeling well?"

"Not me. It's to stage my suicide, or rather, the suicide of my popstar alter ego. Or they'll make me do radio interviews forever! All I wanted was to record a hit, get that money and be instantly forgotten about. I went to great lengths to not have anybody be able to figure out my true identity."

"I'm sure you did," said Sirius. "But don't be surprised if somebody still does. People always find celebrity adresses, if you can be called that. I haven't even heard of you."  
There was a knock on the door.

"Door's open,"

A small girl entered. She looked about five, wore pig tails and carried a drawing and a plush peanut (actual peanut.)

"G'day. My name is Sheila Bruce. I come from Legume. It's in Australia. I'm looking for Pinocchio?"

The penny fell instantly for James and Sirius and their chins dropped. They had heard that name a lot over the recent weeks (Pinocchio, not Legume. They had never heard of Legume). Sheila Bruce understood from their reaction, and also from the bits of face paint Remus had missed, that he was the Pinocchio she was looking for.

"Are you Pinocchio?" she asked.

"Um...yeah..," Remus confessed, unwillingly.

"G'day. My name is Sheila Bruce. I come from Legume. It's in Australia. I'm your biggest fan, after my mum. I made you this drawing of many peanuts with bunny ears. Will you sign my peanut plushie?"

"Sure..."

"Did you really come all the way from Australia to get your plushie signed?" James asked.

"Yes I did," said Sheila Bruce. "I came with my mum, because she is going to see Pinocchio in some show for peanuts. I can't go, because there will be a lot of sauce in it and I can't even eat spaghetti and sauce without getting my clothes dirty. My mum is Debra Bruce, Crocs and Sharks minister in the australian magic governenment."

"Thanks for the drawing. Where is your mum now?" Remus asked.

"She is out there talking to the derpy headmister. I have to go now bye."

"Bye Sheila take care."

Sheila Bruce stole a hug and then she was gone.

"But we did catch you on top of the pops after all!" said Sirius. "I really did not realise that was you, good camouflage."

"Don't feel like, just because a little girl shows up here and claims to be your biggest fan and gives you a shitty drawing," said James, "you are suddenly obliged to be in the show."

"Where did she even get the idea I'd be in it?" Remus asked.

Sirius put away his punch and unrolled a poster they had forgotten to put up.

"Roy's dummy is also called Pinocchio. Everybody must have thought it was you. But seriously, who cares if people have paid four millions to see you in our show? That is their misunderstanding. In fact, you can't be in my show. I won't allow it. You haven't rehearsed with us, you'll only ruin it."

"Maybe you should kill yourself before the show," James suggested. "That way you won't disappoint Sheila Bruce's mum and your 200 something fans."

"And if you're worried about tabloid journalists occupying your mum's garden, don't be! They're just looking for Buddy Holly, although he's dead!"  
"People think Paul McCartney is dead, although he isn't."

"What exactly is your point?" Remus asked.

"Only that, surely, the only opinions you really care about are ours!" said Sirius. "Punch?"

"I think I better go and think up some solo act."

"Oi I said you can't be in our show!"  
"Then I'll just have my own show after yours, then."

"Well, if you want to be in our show _that_ badly..."

"It's fine. I think I know what it's going to be."

"Will you just do some acoustic version of Pink Shoelaces?"

"I guess I better do that, too..."

"'Too'?"

"Ok I better go and practice this thing in the bath. Laterz."

Door slam. James and Sirius refilled their tea mugs. They started to get a little worried now.


	19. Chapter 19

PEANUT ACTUALLY

PART 19

Then came the night of the saucy show. The entire cast opened with the dance they had rehearsed, and after that they commenced with their solo acts, one at a time.

The chaps went out in calendar order, starting with Mark who just sang a showtune in the nude. Fletcher followed. His solo act involved holding a kind of introductory course to gardening in the nude.

"I like to water my begonias with my hose pipe!" he said, whirling his hose pipe. "That is also how I plant my seeds! With my hose pipes!"  
When his five minutes were up, the turn came to James, who held some kind of improvised stand up comedy routine in the nude.

"Wow what a great audience! Who's from Hogsmead then? Hogsmead folk, what a bunch of wankers! Anyone from Diagon Alley? Great, me too! Diagon Alley folk, what a bunch of wankers!"

Dead quiet. The audience really wasn't that great.

"Quidditch rules, what are they like? 150 points for least effort! Quidditch is a team sport. Seekers aren't team players. What's the deeeal?"

This was becoming more of a rant than a stand up comedy routine, wasn't it? James knew that as long as you asked "What's the deal?" people would understand it was stand up comedy. Except these didn't.

"People ask me about my broomstick. I tell them I fly a Mypenis 2000!"  
This audience was just the worst! The delayed punchline drums sound effects weren't helping.

"I also do impressions. I put my glasses on my willie and do an impression of Henry Kissinger, do you want to see it? _Hello. I am Henry Kissinger. I am the United States Secretary of State. I recieved the Nobel Peace Prize."_

The you're-time-is-up music began to play now.

"I also do Elton John. _'Ello darling I'm Elton! I wear funny glasses. I am friends with all the celebrities. WHEN ARE YOU GONNA COME DOWN? I was engaged to my secretary, but she WENT AND LEFT ME FOR A FOREIGN GUY!"_

The you're-time-is-up music was getting really loud now, so loud that James could no longer be heard over it.

"Thanks you've been great!"  
He knocked over the microphone stand and crashed into a wall trying to find the way backstage with his glasses on his willie.

Paul went out next, in the form of a flying accordion, and played a polka. At the end of the act, he broke out of it, nude, a bit like Marilyn Monroe once broke out of a cake, except nude.

The turn came to Beau Marceau, who mimed being trapped in a glass case and climbing out of it by a rope that was also his willie.

Roy brought on his dummy and some dentist prop. He was himself wearing a naughty dentist robe.

"Hello. I'm Doctor Lockhart. I wonder if I have any patients today. _Hello. I have a tooth ache._ Then please, sit on my lap and open wide! _You have to buy me a drink first!_ Hahaha! Where does it hurt? _In my wisdom butt._ Stop it now! Just say ah while I examine your lower two! _Do you need me to take my pants off?_ No I don't! I just want you to open your mouth so I can stick my tube down your throat and put it to suck!"  
After five minutes of that, the you're-time-is-up music started playing. But Roy was so into his own sketch he needed to be carried out.

Sanjeev did a bit of origami in the nude, and Sirius brought on a grand piano in the nude. He was keeping his act very sat down on the piano stool and spoke with a low voice, his lips nearly touching the microphone.

"So many... beautiful ladies in the audience...tonight. I just want to play you some special songs, because you're all special."

He held on to the microphone with both hands and when he began to play the piano, there was no telling what he used to play it with.

"I'm sure you all know this one. Hope you like Barry Manilow. Ok. _I remember all my life..."_

Sirius's solo act was one of the best recieved ones, because at least he was competent at what he was doing.

Phil came on after him, showing how he made romantic t-shirts with incredibly rude twists on the back. Xylophona was on last. In her male guise, she used the rink for what it was meant for: roller skating to the song I Got A Brand New Pair Of Roller Skates.

The chaps who had finished their solo acts already were all backstage praising their own performance and having some punch, backstage being a lockerroom.

"Xylophona is nearly finished," said James. "I am so excited about our finale!"  
"Yeah me too," said Sirius.

"I think they really liked my act," said Roy. "Can you hear them shouting for more?"

"They want the celebrity, Roy."

"Yes."

"Like, the atcual popstar who did a cover of Pink Shoelaces."

"Ohhhh. Well how do you know?"

Sirius put on his black duffel coat, and James his marine one.

"Well I'm just going to have a quick fag outside and then we'll do the finale."

"I'll go with you," said Roy.

"No. I'm having one alone."

"Then why can James come?"

"That's what alone means."

The lockerroom had an emergency exit that led to the back of the building. James and Sirius stopped just outside the door and lit their fags.

"I guess Moony changed his mind then, since he decided to not show up," said James.

"Yeah. Which is fine. I just wish this place had a chamber of the telephone, and that he was at another chamber of the telephone. It would be so easy to just ask him."

"I think muggles just call it a phone box."

"This is why everybody thinks they are lazy."

"Wouldn't it be great if you could carry a phone box on your back at all times?"

"Jesus Prongs what year do you think this is 4000? Next we'll have flying cars!"

"We do have flying cars."

They finished their fags and after that, they went back in to get ready for the grand finale.


	20. Chapter 20

PEANUT ACTUALLY

PART 20

The popstar that had been getting rude with bubblegum for charity the night before was the subject of all headlines the next day.

Despite the lengths Remus had claimed he had gone to make himself anonymous, fans and journalists kept working out his true identity. McGonagall began to get on his back for it, when these people started interrupting her classes. The chaps had to paint a picture of a clown to password protect their dorm, although it was strictly not allowed.

"I don't understand," said Remus. "The lengths I went to."

"Well there is clearly one thing you didn't do," said Sirius.

"No."  
"You didn't come to me."

"I got that."  
Remus went over the suicide-staging stuff he had lined up on his bed, a collection that consisted of cyanide pills, a noose, some razors and some letter paper.

"I didn't want to fake my suicide. But I feel like I have no choice now. I can't stand this attention."

"What if you just moved to space?" James suggested.

"But they'd just find me there."

"Oh yeah. Hey, what if you died in an accident?"

"What sort of accident?"

"A freak noose cyanide pill accident? I know, in a fire!"

"Where?"

"At Sea Parks!"  
"Then where do I go?"

"Sea Parks! Oh I know! What if you went on a safari in Africa and got mauled by lions?"  
"Then where do I go?"

"Sea Parks! I know! Say something racist! Then people will hate you!"

Sirius coughed and scribbled in a newspaper.

"How many letters is in 'obvious'?"

Remus went over to him.

"Padfoot?"

"Moony?"

"What should I do?"

"About what?"

"About what? About being stopped in the street! About being in headlines everywhere! How do I fake my death in such away I will disappear from public consciousness forever?"

"No idea."

Remus began to shake him violently. "TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD DO!"

"Easy! Look you made me mess up everything now! What should you do? Easy."

"What is it?"

"You should record another song."

"What? But I don't want to keep being famous!"  
"You should record another song, and try to make it be like your first."

"I don't get it. Are you just making fun of me?"

"If you want to disappear from public consciousness forever, you have to try and have a second hit. You want to try and repeat the success of your first hit by making your second hit exactly like it. That is how you disappear from public consciousness."

"Really?"

"Take a song that is very similar to Pink Shoelaces, record it in the style you did, release it and let me know how it went."


	21. Chapter 21

PEANUT ACTUALLY

PART 21

So Remus went ahead and recorded Lipstick On Your Collar and sure enough, that had him succesfully erased from public consciousness for eternities to come, despite it being so catchy. That was that resolved. Four months after the saucy show, as well as hit single, the Peanut Elixir could be found in animal medicine shops allover the nation.

"Well just look at the shelves in this animal medicine shop!" said James. "Peanut Elixir! And it is so cheap!"

"That is what I call a success!" said Sirius. "Well, I got the worm pills for my cats, so..."

"Ok who's up for Dumbo?"

"I don't want to see Dumbo!"

"Are you suuuure you don't want to see an elephant fly?" James shook an anonymous looking paper bag suggestively. Sirius's eyes widened.

"What is it and who gave it to you?"

"Moony never told you about all the awesome drugs that were forced on him during his short brush with fame! Look in the bag!"  
Sirius did so. He gasped. Then he frowned.

"Why did he tell you?"

"I guess it's because I'm a lot nicer."  
"I forgot all about those drugs until this morning," said Remus. "I got rid of alot of it, but not the mushrooms. You can have it if you want."

Sirius inhaled the aroma.

"This really made my day! Such a positive surprise, just what I'd expect from my favourite legume!"

"Mushrooms are not legumes."

"I was referring to you! You're my favourite legume, that is actually a nut."

" _Oh."_

And since Sirius had gotten the worm pills for his cats, they could all go and watch Dumbo. 


End file.
